Getting Your Off, On

[This piece was specifically written as a guest blog for a Dating Site back in September 2009, but never posted. ]

Have you ever faked it like I’m doing in the picture below?
I want to talk about “not” faking it. Let’s talk about “getting off.”
Allow me to define terms before I dive into the thick of it. What is “getting off”?
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Well if you get off the bus, it means you’re leaving the bus.
If you get off the chair, the mountain, the plane, then yet again, you’re leaving. So in essence, to get off, is to leave. At least that’s how I’m defining the term. And sexually, if you have ever truly gotten off, you have truly left. Yes, left, because you’re not there for a time, you’re way off, somewhere …some unseen place that makes you feel above and beyond whatever it is below and right there at that time… Right?
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There have been a zillion and 49 articles written for men about how to get a woman off. But somehow that’s not nearly enough. Truth is though, there needs to be many more articles written about how a woman can help herself, get, ya know, OFF. Men don’t seem to have this problem with the off, though some of them struggle with the ON. But most men know how to pay a few bucks to cure that: Viagra or Cialis or cocaine. Yawn. Whatever.

Let’s put away all those sad boner thoughts for a moment. Dammit, let’s focus on a woman’s sad boner for a second. Why aren’t there women oriented get-it-up spams bombarding the inboxes? Some men may agree, that sort of spam would be way more useful. Yes?

Let’s get turned ON so we can achieve the OFF. The getting of the off. And if you don’t know how, you’ll be forever dissatisfied. I mean only if you think sex is a worthwhile pursuit. Clearly I’m speaking directly to women on this one because men don’t seem to have a problem with self-offing. Males make love into a sock from age 9 on up. No foreplay needed. Or so I hear.

Although I’m a devout “offer”, I’m not going to tell a woman how to get off. Where do I get off trying to tell another woman how to get off? I could tell women how to leave a bus, a chair, a mountain or plane. But that’s boring, so I’ll tell them how to get off instead. It’ll take three easy steps. Three? Am I serious? Probably not, but I’ve never let that stop me.

*One) Take yourself out on a date.
This is very important and although it may seem simple, it’s actually not. It’s hard to get ourselves to agree to date ourselves because our high standards often get in the way. It’s quite easy to grab at ourselves and foresake the romance, but that’s not a real date. I’m talking a woo time, a get dressed up, get undressed and go to town time. Do not forget how extremely important this step is!

*Feel free to skip the above step.

Two) Question yourself as if you were your own overpaid Life Coach.

Ask yourself what scares you more, the movie Saw, Saw ll, Saw lll, Saw 1V, or the last time you saw your own naughty bits? If you fear your ‘down below’ more than a murderous maniac, we’re in big trouble here. Don’t fear the beaver.

2b) Ask yourself what’s your favorite fragrance and if you wind up picking Calvin Klein’s Obsession, rethink. Think about your very, very personal fragrance. I’m thinking about it and I kinda like it.

2c) Ask yourself “Well hello self, what tastes good enough to serve up to someone I love?” Don’t think pizza… remember to keep focused on your private parts or none of this will work out.

Three) Clear your schedule

Clear the house. Get a mirror. Lie down. Look at “it.” Love it. Love on it, all over it. Slow…fast…faster… Learn it. Teach your learnings to the next bed partner awaiting tutorial. If the house is still cleared you can practice all of the above often and talk through it, saying it out loud so you’re good and ready linguistically when the time comes to train the eager to be schooled.

Remember that if you’ve found a good partner they want nothing more than to learn how to please you, and stay after school for extra credit. Learning to get off is really that simple. Disagree? Go try it and get back to me. Wash your hands first, please.

• Have you ever tweeted me with dirty hands?
• When you go “off” where are you? (Figuratively)
• Isn’t it paradoxical that when you lose yourself you find yourself?
• Did you get off on my use of the word paradoxical? (Literally)
• If you were to date yourself, where would you take you?

*Feel free to skip that last question.

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Tagged as: dating yourself, G-Spotting, humor, sexuality, women