Ask Google How To Be a Vampire Ninja

Gotta be a Ninja, baby. Blood gives me the heebie jeebies.

My philosophy - it's simple, effective, comes in little plastic bottles and I scrub my face with it. It's pricy, too, but you get what you pay for. "Wash your face before you go to sleep at night." Keep your pores clean, keeps your mind clear and you don't wake up w/zits. :)

Krys I shoot myself in the foot for not finding your philosophy until a few years ago!
It's all in the pores, babe, oh so correct! You are Ninja!

A Ninja. Of course. I even look like one in my thermals, I think (okay, so Sports Chalet calls them a 'technical base layer... whatever... they're black and I'm a ninja!)
But when it come to the word 'be'....
I want to be special. To be someone special to someone.
I realize what I want is rather vague, but that's what it boils down to, for me.

Great post as always, 'Tina!!! xoxoxoxo

"Technical Base Layer"? What's that, ha, that's funny! Welcome Victoria Ninja. You're "want to be" is shared by me and the rest of us... I think we all eventually get that if we stay open. It's not vague, it's "real."

Girl, a 'technical base layer' is what thermals are now called, apparently... so... underneath my ski clothes, I am a lean, mean, Ninja machine!!!
Ha... but still waiting to 'be' that someone special to someone... *sigh*

Technical Base Layer sounds so scientific. Damn girl, you ARE Ninja. On the slopes too? Dayum!
I bow down to your coolness. As for the "still waiting..." --Let's go to the park and forget about it for a day. I bet while we are doing that the greatest human will stumble into us. If not that day, the next. Let's go to the park more often!

To the Park!!! I'm ready for some fun.... and we can practice being NInjas!! xoxo

I'm at the park, where the hell are you? ;-)

Dig ourselves out of nothingness...isn't that what it's all about? LOVE IT!

Cheers Bella!
That's it Lynn, that's what it's all about.
*plus Do The Hokey Pokey*
*plus spin yourself around*
That too...
is what it's all about :)

Oh, you wacky kids and your Stephanie Meyers. You think Generation Whatever-You-Are invented vampire obsessions. Bram Stoker and Max Schrek are no doubt weeping in whatever afterlife is reserved for those who smack society in the face with a skull ring and, Phantom-like, leave a mark that never quite fades.

I wonder what Sartre would have said to Hamlet? "To be or not to be..." "Who gives a fuck, as long as I'm smarter than you? Pass the jam."

Yeah, that Sartre was a wiseacre.

I think that the real power of Google is in being a minimalist. The question is not "What do I want?" It is simply, "What do I?" All then becomes clear. I want presents. I want food. I want direction in my life. Does it get any more profound than that?

I remember walking through the University District six or eight years ago, where the emo kids, the Pale People in Black and the Vampire gamers hung out. (I speak of White Wolf's LARP game, which is where the real Vampire geeks got their vampire lifestyle kicks.) A group of people was lined up outside the Irish pub, and the lead LARP guy was there with two women. The one woman turns over the wrist of the other and bites, hard enough to make the first one wince. In pleasure? I couldn't say. Bob and I just looked at each other and said "Larpers!"

Yeah, some people take their vampire shit pretty seriously. At least the gamer dude looked embarassed by the whole thing.

The cynic in me is neither pleased nor surprised that a measurable number of people want to become dangerously underweight undead blood drinkers. After all, once you've weakened your own body and soul, what recourse do you have but to then attempt to siphon the strength out of another person? There's a life lesson here. Are you a Vampire or are you a Meal? Google simply shows that the Pale People In Black have managed to combine all of their aspirations into a single package and deluded themselves that they'll become stronger and more attractive as a result.

The really sad commentary on the whole thing is, of course, that everyone knows that Pirates > Ninja.

Scott you really let it rip here. Right on man, yeah! Great comment, grrrrreat.
You may be right on Sartre's response to Hamlet. Actually considering so many people claim Shakespeare didn't write his own plays, maybe it was Sartre who wrote them? Please let's not fact check dates on this one, let's be erroneous and make stuff up.

Scott I want to know how you got out alive after walking through the Emo/Goth Vampire slayers 6 or 8 years ago. How did you wind up not joining the LARP cult? Being a Larper sounds like a great choice given the other options.

"dangerously underweight undead blood drinkers."

You nailed it.

"Are you a Vampire or are you a Meal?"
You KILLED it!

"Google simply shows that the Pale People In Black have managed to combine all of their aspirations into a single package and deluded themselves that they'll become stronger and more attractive as a result."

You resuscitated it, nailed it, then KILLED it again!

Come again, come often Scott!

I know I exist because my mirror tells me so. My philosophy is just to do what I want to do and squeeze as much fun out of life till I drop. Life is short, but then so is Gary Coleman.

Mirrors don't lie! Unless it's that mirror Jason X was talking about (somewhere in the comments above) the Dorian Gray mirror. That one fibs a lot. Gooood philosophy Marty. And Gary Coleman would be proud.

Oh how you crack me up. I love the way you make me think about things - it lightens the heavy stuff that usually swims around in my head. I've now subscribed to your blog so I won't miss a thing! Thanks CTK!

Thank you kindly Kat :) I hope subscribing to me won't mush your brains up too much :)
Your support is greatly appreciated.

As Dena pointed regarding anorexia - Its very sad to see. A lot of people blame anorexia and other eating disorders on society.Several people blame the whole anorexia thing on men and our obsession with what we see as being hot or sexy...Looking at this "How to Become a Vampire" search obsession - it looks like the tables have turned...

And I honestly have to blame the "I want to become a vampire" on the Twilight Saga and True Blood. These series created a fantasy that millions and millions of women all over the world went goo-goo for. The obsession has put tons of pressure on men to look a certain way and I guess its fair to say, were getting a taste of our own medicine. With that said, I'll pass on the vampire look to avoid looking like a Young Blade...

Hello Ross,
Dena (above) did point out the sadness in this here Google search. I would have delved into it myself but honestly it'd be an entirely different post if I had and at this time I'd prefer a bit of levity. Just mentioning Sartre at all is enough gloom and doom. That brilliant bastard often ices the crowd instantly :)

Young Blade? Too funny. I have to fess up, I've seen many of the older vampire movies, even many of the silent ones and subtitle ones and it's endless. I'm fascinated by their plight in an amused way. I have avoided the new ones. Teenagers running around being too cool for school and men wearing lip gloss and eyeliner... nah, not cutting it for me!

I hope someone makes a Ninja Vampire movie soon. You and I can avoid it! Unless Wesley Snipes is involved. Haha...

Great post as always. All kinds of ways to respond. Truth is, I've always been pretty existential (almost majored in philosophy in college; yah, I've always been pretty dull). More Simone de Beauvoir than the troll-like Sartre--who I share a birthdate with btw.

I exercise my free choice daily. And often. And somehow manage to be happy. And maybe the two correlate in some way. I'd like to think they do. I'd also like to think that you're a shining example of free choice and individual expression, Tina. But what do I know..

(Philosophically-speaking, also relate to SdB's "One is not born a women...one becomes one." way of thinking..)

Sedef, I felt your existentialism instantly. You do a great "to be" and avoid the "nothingness" rather well.
I admire you exercising your free choice daily. Some don't realize it's easier to make that a good routine than sit around complaining about "I wish I'd go to the gym today." Then again, not working-out is also making a choice, as is eating lard food and sprawling out big bellied on the sofa. But of course there are numerous ways "to be" that give our lives more meaning and make us "happy" instead of "emo"... If I had to chose, I'd say you are more Ninja than Vampire!

*I prefer Sartre to Simone, but that's because Sartre entered my life so early and turned me into a Knowledge Vampire. I kid not. That curmudgeonly homunculus really got my young mind workin'... after that I became Ninja of Smarty-Pants. My super power was to annoy all dinner guests with boring philosophical meanderings!*

*well then, you'd surely appreciate what's on my stack of bedside reading materials (think Sartre, and a cover image focused on *empty chair* in what appears to be a sparse forest). will email you, particularly given your fondness for both chairs and sartre.)
p.p.s. it was thru my interest in Sartre that I was intro'd to Simone, considering their lifelong swingin' partnership, so he has a special place in my heart as well ;)

I'd love that stack of reading material. I love that social butterfly Jean-Paul Sartre hooked you up with Simone ;)

Hilarious!

I didn't know that there were so many people out there that believe it's possible to become Vampires (or maybe they just want to apply the makeup to look like the cast of Twilight).

I'm sure we can market something here :P

Greetings Clément! I didn't know so many wanted to be vampires either. It's all so wacky.
How can there be that many blood thirsty English speakers in the world?
I sure hope they just want the "look"... make-up never killed anyone. Except Joan Rivers, I guess.
I like your idea of marketing... let's make bundles of cash of this and everything else.
A large portion of what we rake in can go to charity. Any idea on what our business cards
should look like?

You should try the game "Christina wants.. " or "Christina needs..." .. one of my faves was "Beth wants to bare all once again in an X-rated photoshoot…" Well, duh. Everyone knows that.....

I check out your post for "Beth wants" and it was a hoot&aHalf. You want so much, Beth.
If you get all that stuff there won't be any left for the rest of us. Ah but since our name isn't Beth,
maybe that changes things and allows other names to score the loot? Honestly I have no idea how the
"get stuff" of wants works, but I'm willing to test it out. I take your word!

I'm content in knowing I don't need Google.

I fall back on my great Aunt Myrtle (RIP), who when I asked, "Am I good?", would reply, "Jenny, you're just right."

I would rather be a ninja. I think it pays more and I really don't want to bite anyone. Nibble yes, bite, no.

I think my nothingness shows, daily. I cannot worry too much about that.

Love your post, as always, you make me think. Thank you, Tina.

We should all throw out the Google! Go back to the library for research. IRL used to be the hip thing to do.
Jenny I agree that Ninja duty probably pays more and you can use the money day & night, unlike Vampires who can only order online since most stores close before they wake.

And re: nothingness... Hopefully all of our "nothingness" rears its head daily. It'll keep us humble.
Thanks love!

You know, I'm going to play this one straight up: you're tapping into something really deep here. Sure, there's humor. But so often, humor is what we use to make the pain bearable.

Then again, I'm a simple man, with a simple philosophy... "Faster horses", &c.

You're a wise man and see exactly what I'm up to. Glad we bumped into each other Dave.
You're not so simple. Your philosophy is admirable... FASTER HORSES!

Ha - you called Sartre a funnster! I think of myself as thin enough and a good kisser already. Being a vampire is out - I was a medical assistant once and the drawing blood skill was, shall we say, underdeveloped. I guess that leaves ninja, but I would like not to be a fighting ninja. Perhaps a ninja whose main skill is cleaning. Is there such a ninja? I'd be good at it, but would take lots of breaks. My ninja supervisor would be cool with that.

You caught the part about Sartre as a Funnster. See this is just one of a million reasons I adore you.
Hey Elaine when you were a medical assistant did any of your coworkers know you contemplated being a Vampire? I sense there is a lot more to this story than you let on. Don't be shy...

I dig you as the NONfighting, ALLcleaning Ninja! Your Ninja supervisor would give you full medical (that includes dental!) You rock!

Ninja. I like Chinese food. That isn't racist is it??

If you'd said You wanted to be a Ninja because you like Indian food that might be looked upon with curious eyebrow, but the rest of it... Well, thing is, Ninjas don't eat anyway. That's why they are anorexic.
Whatever the case may be, good to see you JobeDubbs... hilarity ensues!

Once I discovered Google's omnipotent ability to "know" what you're going to ask before you do...I realized that we are pretty much doomed as a society....

Case and point ....Google "Why does".....Oh...woe is me...I have seen things that should have made my eyes bleed O_o

I wish I'd written THIS in my piece:
"Once I discovered Google's omnipotent ability to "know" what you're going to ask before you do...I realized that we are pretty much doomed as a society...."

Fantastically said, Roschelle. An funny in an eerie way.
I checked your "Why Does" via Google search and damn straight, that is some scary eyeball pop-out stuff!
I had to laugh though... that's crazy.

I've gotten a ton of nick names.. Sweet cookie, Sunny bunny, Sunny honey, Sunshine, Sun, cupcake.. I love them all! I know I exist because I see people seem to enjoy naming me into different kind of sweet treats. Im flattered to know I bring happiness and smiles to my friends.. or strangers?.. Ninja. Definitely want to be a Ninja! Ninja has positive power and energy. Mmmm...Vampire can be a super good kisser, but I really don't to lose my blood for it.. Totally Ninja, Tina! Love ya! :)

Sunnster, Sunny, Smile-Pie hello and hi. For some reason you bring out the nicknames in us all... we can't help it. It's good you love them. Nicknames are typically a sign that people like you, and like you a lot.
OR it can be a sign that no one knows how to pronounce your name so they make up anything else they can think up to prevent anxiety. HA! Obviously in your case it's because they like you :)

You're a Ninja! I can't vouch for your kissings, but I bet they are sweet ones... Ninja style.

I get an erection, therefore I am. That's my general compass. When I no longer get erections, I'll no longer exist. Or at least existence will become pointless. Unless I take a pottery class or something.

When you get old, fat, bald with only one tooth left and have 5 necks you'll probably lose that prized stiff rod of yours.

If/when that happens you can become one of those disgusting pervs who lurk in the bushes w/an Aqualung.
Oh wait, let me dig up one of my ancient 140 short stories, for ya...

[Ed never noticed he had small feet until he got caught naked in the bushes. The cops didn't see his feet, but he's sure the neighbors did.]

Wow, that shite is dusty. Thanks for turning me on to pottery, dear Jason X

Old, fat and bald? Impossible. Ever hear of Dorian Gray? I made that same deal. Even so, you're right. Sooner or later I will be come one of those disgusting pervs who lurk in the bushes. In fact, I may start sooner than later.

I want to get in on the Dorian Gray action. You wise son of a gun.
But I'm already lurking in the bushes. I'll save you a spot.

Oh my god, this is truely shocking! They all want to be anorexic (the last time I had a glimpse in the mirror I looked shockingly NOT anorexic at all). SO I guess Im being diffrent here!
But hey, kudos for the good old Satre, he was a smart ass- ugly as hell but elaborate and a great read. Descartes spend too much time in his attic thinking on if its possible for him to exist and think coming to weirdo conclusions, dig him though, he was the first to doubt his surrounding and his sceptisicm inspired movies like the Matrix and such other mindwaggling films!

My philosophy is simple.
I just want to be (I would add happy here, but if we were to be happy all the time we would become stupid and dull, so a little sadness here and there grounds u and puts things into perspective. It just shouldnt be too much). I certainly can live without being a ninja, anorexic, emo and a police officer.
But being a good kisser and a good friend is obligatory! !!! (IS IT?)

HA!

Nini, welcome ma'darlin!
You have a way chill philosophy. Nice work.
"I certainly can live without being a ninja, anorexic, emo and a police officer."
I'm doing the "LOL" -Stick to good kisser and friend... much more better best way to be.

I just responded to Dena above who also expressed shock over the anorexia. Yep, it's outrageous!
N.B., you're too funny about poor gnarled-up scabby looking Sartre. C'mon, that fella was the hotness!
It sort of makes you wonder if some of the bitterness came from his ungoodlookingness? He was brilliant though... I read the hell out of him as a teen. Philosophy tomes (oh so thick) but his fiction dazzled me.
I have it all on my bookshelf still and occasionally dip in for a quickie. I should run off and whip myself with a rubber hose for allowing that bastard to corrupt me :)

I love this post. It is a brilliant concept and I love the fact that you used Google to determine what people want because, hell, if Google doesn't know than no one does. (I'm not being sarcastic either.)

What utterly breaks my heart is how high up "...how to be anorexic" appears in these results. It is enormously telling and I am not at all surprised by it, not one iota. I know full well how much young girls are 1. in hate with their bodies; 2. spending entirely too much time online; 3. influenced by media/parents/Hollywood into believing that they are ugly/fat/bad/unattractive and so on.

I know these things because it wasn't so long ago that I was one of those little girls. One of my primary missions in life is to take those little girls (that have since become women) ((and the boys who have been there too!)) and teach them how to love themselves, to create the lives of their dreams, and enjoy every moment of their existence from here on out.

Thanks for this post. Thanks for making my mission that much more urgent. You are amazing.

Love,
Dena

Dena what a great comment. You've nailed it. I too was/am greatly troubled by so many people wanting to be anorexic. Some, but not you, would think it's only females but true a lot of teenagers and 20something men are doing it now, starving themselves. The Emo craze sparked a generation of emaciated youth. So I'm not surprised about Emo being so close to Anorexia on the list. It's all troubling. Look at the list? It's almost entirely full of fluff that people want to be, to become. Thanks for looking into it so deeply. It does seem fun and games but when boiled down it's a bit tragic.

Sorry to hear you went through the difficult period of not loving self... it happens, but at least you found your way out of the muck. Big hugs and I appreciate your thoughts Dena.

I'd probably take Ninja over Vampire. Not big on blood, don't intend to ever watch / read 'Twilight' and couldn't be productive by only existing at night (though Interview with A Vampire was pretty cool). Ninjas kick ass for a living and can climb walls. Trumps vampire any day of the week (unless they got into a fight with a vampire in which case the vampire would probably win).

Best post I've read all day! BTW, Sartre's play No Exit was pretty cool, though Camus' 'The Stranger' trumps all existential lit for me.

Hi Ryan

I have noticed the Vampires have amazing strength. That is daunting if we choose to be Ninjas instead.
Maybe if we are part Ninja part Vampire we can avoid the night hours and roam during the day, as well as drink blood we steal from the Hospital, not killing the innocent. We have options... Free Will.

I love Sartre. He ruined my youth, adding to teenage angst. Camus's great too.

Thank you for confirming it's still OK that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and that we're all searching...for something. Love your posts!

It is comforting to know we're all in the same boat sailing the same seas. Luckily we have different boats though... I hate tight spaces with a bunch of strange faces. But if you wanna switch up boats for fun, let's do it!
Cheers to you Mike... stop by anytime and often.

Hmmm, and I always thought I was a Ninja! :~) Philosophy you say? Indeed, I love philosophy but in Twitter lingo all it is, is "Philosofee" anymore...hrrmmph!

You mean #Philosofee ? We should @Jean_Paul_Sartre and ask his take on this Twitter debacle.
Thanks Henie Ninja.

I love your posts, look forward to them, want to lick and sniff them and paste them on my wall.
I don't know I am. I don't know I am not. I don't know nothing.
I just is. Where? How? Why? Will let you know in next life.
If there is a next life. If this is indeed a life. And not someone else's. Or their dream. Or their nightmare.
And since am unable to ascertain if I is or not, cannot tell you if I'm a ninja or a vampire or a booger in someone's brain. But if I were a booger in someone's brain, I'd want it to be YOUR brain.
For you are brilliant and if Satre were alive he'd do well to visit your blog and learn a thing or two about How To Google, How To think sausage and How chicks cook corn.
I'm with Jeanne 200 percent - You Absolutely Rock!

Mad greets to you Karen.
The licking and sniffing of my posts may get you arrested... if someone spots you. Make sure to do it in the privacy of your own home, not at a cafe.
Bravo on knowing nothing, it makes life a whole lot easier. Too bad it's not true ;)
Thanks to you and Jeanne for cheering me on, my worthiness is still up for debate!
All I know is that you and I should not be vampires or ninjas. Let's stick to Emo.
That emotional crap helps us write more, morer, most deeply.

So, yeah. I'm Canadian. No, wait, I'm going somewhere with this, really.

Being Canadian, I got to learn to speak French in school. And I had this smart-ass of a French teacher who used to tell us the same thing whenever we acted like whiny-assed teenagers.

We would say, "it's not fair!"

He would retort, "No, it's etre."

He was playing on the two most used verbs in the French language. "Faire", meaning "to do" and "Etre" meaning "to be." Basically, he was telling us that while it may not be fair, it was to be. Yes, I thought he was an annoying ass when I was a teenager.

Not so much, now.

Although I'm almost positive that he didn't mean to impart a wisdom that would last through my many, many years - he wasn't THAT good of a teacher - he did.

Because now, when I think of that, I think that life is not merely "to DO" but "to BE".

This has become my little philosophy of life. I remind myself of it often, when I foolishly measure my worth by what I do, rather than who I am. I also use it to remind myself that when I get in a whiny-ass adult mood, that things are really no different than they were so many years ago.

Life isn't fair.
But it is to be.

And if that's the case, then I shall BE for all I'm worth.

You had me at Canadian.
Your teacher was a menace, but a deviously chuckle-worthy one. I love that play on words story.
It is surprising what our teachers taught, the things that stick with us most.

[I think that life is not merely "to DO" but "to BE"]

Here! Here! I'm with you 100%
Great philosophy and thanks for sharing it with me here...

[ Life isn't fair.
But it is to be.
And if that's the case, then I shall BE for all I'm worth.]

Well done, my friend.

Funny stuff, Ct, as always. I think the trick of how to be a vampire ninja is stored in a safety deposit box somewhere on Counterfeit Island. If only the island was real we get a crew together to do one last job, one big score, before we went straight. I'm really surprised "How to be rich" wasn't on there...

Très amusant Sir Jeffers!
Ah and you picked up on that whole Island business... what the hell is that? Ha...
Counterfeit Island? We've all lost our way. Glad you found your way here though, come again!

haha I would want to be a ninja all the way. And no me being asian has nothing to do with it :-P

Most of all I want to be successful. A very general word, but it applies. Success in business, helping others, etc. I'm fortunate to love what I do, but am aware enough to not be complacent.

But all in all my philosophy on most things is to always keep moving forward. Keep progressing. To use a football analogy: running backs are patient and wait for the holes to develop in front of them, after which they hit them full-speed blowing up anybody in their way.

Justin, I always fancied you a ninja *and not because of being Asian either*
Don't you find it odd that "How To Be successful" wasn't on the list of most searched?
Isn't that creepy? I'd like the same kind of success you describe. An overall success in life and health.

"To use a football analogy: running backs are patient and wait for the holes to develop in front of them, after which they hit them full-speed blowing up anybody in their way."

SCORE!

I already poses mad ninja skills and I actually have some vampire like fangs. I am still working on the skinny part, although I would never want to be anorexic. That would really bum me out. So I'm well on my way to happiness. That being said; my philosophy is "Kindness is Love and Love is where God exists."

You have fangs and ninja skills, which makes you one awesome "How To Be" specimen.
But I always knew that Vonia. The anorexia thing is so bizarre. I didn't write much about it
because it'd become and entirely different post that stretched on for miles, kind of like Sartre's writing.
But do note: I'm very concerned about the "anorexia" being so high up on the "How To Be"

Um, by the way.... No comment on my philosophy? Is it too mushy for you? ;)

Your philosophy is your own and you know what it is which shows you're truly "being."
So yes, I noticed and no, it's not mushy.

Yes I'm personally just relieved that how to be a good kisser is ahead of how to be anorexic. I think it is far more important to know how to give a good smooch. It's much more pleasant as well.

Hmmm to be or not to be. I think I be. I know I exist because people keep calling my name... or maybe they're just crazy... or there are a lot of people named "Hey You" and I assume they're talking to me. I'm already a ninja, and if i see one more person aspiring to be a vampire, I'm going to suggest they suck the vomit out of my mouth instead of blood from my veins. I be. I is. I am.
You rock, Tina.

You're threats against vampires frightens me. I'd hate to be on your bad side, ya bad assin' Ninja, you.

I am interested in philosophy. I have my own philosophy, but don't know how to put it into words yet. I like the philosophy of "live and let live". Sometimes I like the "eye for an eye" philosophy. Sometimes I don't know what I like or don't like.

All I know is that when I am out in the middle of the desert at night looking up at the stars, I feel much safer, happier and more at peace.

Have you ever considered the 'eye for a Snickers bar' philosophy?

Ben,
Now I'm intrigued by your currently "silent" philosophy.
I dig that "Sometimes I don't know what I like or don't like."
because that makes you human and at one point I suspected you a werewolf.
No wait, it wasn't you I suspected of that, sorry.
Werewolves aren't poetic enough to look up at the stars...
Do you know the Oscar Wilde quote:
"We΄re all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

BY FAR I WANT TO BE A VAMPIRE!! Or belong to a VAMPIRE! But that wasn't an option was it?
I love your posts chica! They always make me laugh and while laughing they make me think.. So thanks for the laughing speckled with thinking...I think.

Thank you fair maiden!
I bet there is a "How To Belong to a vampire" search stream stretching for miles... if not, start one!
"laughing speckled with thinking" -Nice one. I'll borrow that.