How To Camouflage Your Blog Post

Have you ever wanted to take back a rant? There are many reasons one may need to camouflage a blog post. The most important reason is to save face, and prevent you from waking in a horror the next morning, full of regret. No one wants to snap awake in a panic, wondering, “Oh God, who saw my writing?” then rush for the computer to delete the evidence. You snooze you lose, though, for regardless of you pouncing on the delete button, your words have probably been etched on Google cache in perpetuity.
I’m going to list three reasons to disguise a post, and the ways to do so.

1.) Crushing Your Former Crush
You hate that scumbag. Unfortunately, the venomous texts, emails and phone calls you’ve sent during an out-of-control (but justified) rage won’t suffice, because you need the whole wide world to know all about it. Yeah, it’s got to be broadcasted. You just ended a relationship with some rotten chick or dude and wow, the liar sucks so bad you wish you could have ‘em pummeled by a big stick. Sadly you have no means of brute force so your best option is to post a scathing blog discussing what a total piece of work the pig is. If you don’t want to name names – and of course you shouldn’t because naming names only makes YOU look bad, even though it’s that bastard who sucks – do this…
CAMOUFLAGE: Write your post in third person. Example: “This happened to my friend and I want to share the story with you…” The empathy you get indirectly from commenters will be just as good as direct commiseration. Yeah, it happened to your friend. That’s the ticket. Now rip that a-hole a new one!

2.) Crashing The Cubicle
What the hell, your boss or the company you work for is treating you like a back-alley step-dog and it’s absurdly unfair. Without you they’d flounder like fish on the beach. How dare they let your brilliant contribution go unrecognized? Your skills are top notch and bet your ass if you worked somewhere else, some place that wasn’t lame enough to miss what a professional you are, you’d be rolling in the dough, hand over fist, rising the ladder like nobody’s business. Okay, time to trash the bastards. But how? It’s a big No No in the electronic age to dish dirt on your employer. You’ll get fired if they see it, so…
CAMOUFLAGE: Find another company to talk about. Similar to the ruse in #1, it’s best to complain about a friend or a relative’s employer. Use another company to ridicule but sprinkle in all of your troubles, therefore it’s still about you and your unhappiness but since you don’t work at [insert company here], no one will know. Make sure not to use anyone’s actual name from your job. Example: if your Boss is named Sue, call her Judy. If anyone you work with suspects you’re dissing them be fast to let them know you’re a professional and would never do such a thing. All you’ve done is stick up for a friend who has a bad job. Yeah, that’s what you’re doing. Very admirable.

3.) Curiously Corrupt Content
Eager to mouth-off like an expert? Dying to argue about something you know very little about? Whether it’s passion or a low IQ that motivates one to dive into dubious discourse, we’ll never know, but it’s fairly certain we’ve done it and we’ve all drowned at some point while doing it. It’s usually wise to pipe down when we don’t have enough data to make a proper analysis, but if you absolutely need to lambast an issue, meanwhile presenting something full of holes, be sure to dress it up first with trap doors in case you need to sneak out. Most likely you will require an escape route if anyone notices how bogus you are…
CAMOUFLAGE: As we learned in high school, a way to take the pressure off you and your slapdash work is by claiming you didn’t study or you wrote the paper in an hour. Your work still sucks but at least you’ve planted the seed that if it sucks it’s ONLY because you didn’t put in the time and effort. So do that in your blog post when talking about an issue you have no brain power to back up. Begin with, “I could be wrong on this since it only took 5 minutes to write.” If you’re lucky, all the search engines will pick up that first sentence and keep you off the hook. If anyone in the comment section questions your idiocy, refer them back to your first sentence. Example Reply, “Hey dude, listen, as I said, I wrote this in under 5 minutes.” Done! You’re covered. You’re still stupid, but you can iron that out later.

Everyone loves a train wreck, but hopefully the above advice will prevent you from having too many crashes.
I’m sure I’ve missed topics that may also need camouflage, but I only had an hour to write this, so sue me.
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Tagged as: camouflage, crush, cubicle, hide, rant