Cosmo Magazine Says: Be The Worst That You Can Be

by Ct Kingston · View Comments

Cosmopolitan Cover April 2010
t’s no secret magazines geared specifically towards a female audience are nothing more than a trashy excuse to waste paper. I tend to ignore these rags, but recently in the grocery store I couldn’t help notice this Cosmopolitan cover for April 2010.
This one, to me, is so far over-the-top I feel it needs deconstruction and a massive spanking.

[ Click for larger view ]

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Allow me to highlight a few of the valuable subjects offered, in hopes of changing
any woman’s life, for the better:

-> The Sex Article We Can’t Describe Here!
No need to bother with description, we have plenty of other subject headings to satiate our sex deficit.

-> Easy, Fun Ways to Fall More in Love With Your Man
Wow if they, whoever they are, already have a “man,” then maybe they can skip the nondisclosure sex article above, as I suggested, and move directly to falling more in love. But hey, if you don’t already love him, how in the world will that change due to a desperate vanity journalist groveling for cash with bad writing? By the way, all the tips outlined in the article are actually ways to boost uphis self-esteem, and how to worship him, not how to love him more. If you buy it, please read this article first. My stomach still aches from laughter. Once I find a man to worship, it will be indescribable naked sex.

-> 50 Things To Do Butt Naked
This heavy breathes for itself. Butt here’s a helpful sampling of unclothed examples they provide.
*Make phone calls
*Slow dance to a sensual song by John Legend.
*Do a naked cartwheel, “just so you can say you’ve done it.”
****One thing they missed is: hang a rope from the ceiling…****

GaGa_ForCosmo

-> Find your G-Spot: Directions So Clear, They’re Like GPS
I wrote a piece about this, “How To Get Your Off, On” but few read it, maybe because it sucks or perhaps my readers don’t own GPS. Must women purchase a car to learn these important things? I wrote my piece for people with manual transmission.
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-> Sex Up Your Eyes
Without having read this trenchant little ditty, I’d say I’ve sexed up my eyes plenty by looking at the Cosmo cover. Which, as mentioned in topic #1, is indescribable.
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-> Speak his Sex Language.
We did that already in topic #2. Might as well do it again. Grab the verbal Viagra!
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Now, for the piece de resistance, the popped cherry on top…

-> The Rape Danger Zone Most Women Don’t Know About
Would it be your “G-Spot” or some other erogenous zone? We’d assume so.
No darlings, after Cosmo encourages you to get naked, fuck constantly and worship men, they then scare the pants back on you, warning you to not leave the house alone because you could be raped.
WARNING: WOMEN SHOULD STAY INSIDE NAKED AND READ MAGAZINES.

If that isn’t enough you can also ogle tons of pics featuring Photoshopped babes (or maybe they aren’t babes, who can tell) plus peruse other articles about sex, sex, sexual sex and worshiping a man. Yes, none of this is new news in pop culture. So, um, whatever, BUY IT TODAY!
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Tagged as: Cosmopolitan Magazine, GPS, Media Spank Monday, sexuality, women

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{ 149 comments }

Ct Kingston

Victoria, glad you don't REALLY read Cosmo to boost your confidence! My goodness, how about just read an email from me to do that. I'll tell you the truth about how great you are, not blow it up your ass with How To Use a Dildo! Thanks for the read V. And I would avoid the naked cartwheels even if you can't then tell party guests that “you did one”…craziness ;-)

Ct Kingston

David Weedmark, you're probably 100% right that this mess of glossy paper called Cosmo is written by a drooling group of dong stroking Droogs. Seriously it must be. Unless they scoured the streets of Amsterdam and snatched all the red light whores then threw them in an office shoving computers in their face.

“WRITE SOMETHING!” they screamed.

Charlie Sheen, haha… indeed! Tiger too, I guess.

Batman

Fascinating. Where do I sign up for the naked indescribable sex? :)

ninibaseema

I think you forgot to mention “how to be happy with your body” and loose weight in ten seconds.

Seriously: Those magazins are pretty good at telling you on one page that you should be happy the way you are and then two pages afterwards they recommend the “cosmopolitan diet” for getting ridd of your winter fat!

Talk about ambivalence!

Ct Kingston

“Long way of saying they put that shit out there because it sells.”
Ain't that just the way? That's how they get us. Bend these fools over , Christina, and
let loose with the splintered paddle.

Ct Kingston

You're so correct…
“”I like to read Cosmo to keep up on how misinformed women are about men.” Apparently they're just as misinformed about women too. “
Some people suggest it's a bunch of pot bellied dudes writing these articles.
Hey I added you to my Stag Fleet waiting list. Keep the GPS and I'll let you know when your number is up.

Ct Kingston

I read many of these empty articles a long time ago until I realized it was too depressing to pay attention to it anymore. I admire that you've never imbibed in this kind of idiocy.

How did the eye sex up and asshole worship work out for ya, Karen?
Heh

Ct Kingston

“Who are the women they are talking to? “
I know Brian. It's so bizarre how anyone would take these articles seriously.
I guess it's similar to the candy and chips they place in our face just before we buy our beggies and milk.
Impulse purchasing probably accounts for their entire subscription list. Pffffft.

Ct Kingston

“Refreshing to see a viewpoint expressed so strongly while also remaining entertaining, CT!”
Wonderful compliment Rick and thanks for it.
I like your conspiracy theory on the ski masked wearing people sneaking into the store at midnight to buy a Cosmo magazine. Stick to it. It sounds plausible to me.

Ct Kingston

Ha… turbo GPS, eh? Oh my.

Amelia

I was planning to read this issue of Cosmo, but then my oral surgeon called with an opening in his schedule for a root canal. I should have asked to be naked while having the root canal done- maybe more than my teeth would have been drilled :-) <did I type that out loud?>
Of course, the man I was at home worshipping might have taken issue with that. But, I bet Cosmo would have some sage advice for me :)

Ct Kingston

Craziness from Consumers wearing thongs. Why don't you write a piece for them about

“Damn bitches need to know how to make a damn sandwich. Dayum!”

Ct Kingston

I'd love to see those. Send me a link. I bet they are a lot tamer compared to the “indescribable” article of which nearly made me barf. Porn city. And this is all in plain view of our sweet precious toddlers? Grrrr

The magazines gave a rise to the Britney Spears of the world. Ya think? Maybe.

Ct Kingston

John we should hunt down who that “somebody” is… bet that person works for Cosmo.

Ct Kingston

Haha Dave, Haha.

Ct Kingston

“The Trees Are Crying” -let's write that book and get it on the bestsellers list!

Ct Kingston

I just added Jason X [see his comment above] to the list. I'll add you too. But be warned, it's a long list. Longer than people needing organ transplants. Sad but true.

Ct Kingston

“how to be happy with your body and loose weight in ten seconds.”
And loose it without exercise or changing your diet as well as being a sex goddess…aw man, what a load of poo. Nini you're nailing it. The ambivalence is maddening and luckily we're now mature enough to laugh it off. Judging from all the comments it seems all agree that Cosmopolitan and its ilk need a spanking. Now.

Batman

Surprisingly, I'm ok with that….

mookie

I'm sorry, at what point does this become a mag for women? Sounds awfully like something men would prefer to read… almost.

Ct Kingston

Root Canal is better than Cosmo, Haha! Naked while having root canal, Haha! Drilled?!! Ha Ha.
Amelia :) ) You're on it babe. Loving your comment. Thank you… Drilled…

Ct Kingston

Mookster! The “almost” is so funny. Spit-take worthy. I think I might sip water and read it again just so I can do a spit-take. Waaaaaaaaaa… Did I ever tell you how funny you are? I think so, maybe many many times?
I think I did!

mookie

I think you did, but I still don't believe it myself… so I'm more than happy for you to continue telling me! ;)

Oh, and Ct, when I want to ogle pics, I simply navigate my Netscape Navigator to ctkingston.com — I don't need any mags!

mookie

I think you did, but I still don't believe it myself… so I'm more than happy for you to continue telling me! ;)

Oh, and Ct, when I want to ogle pics, I simply navigate my Netscape Navigator to ctkingston.com — I don't need any mags!

peri g

Good thing I'm an agoraphobic who does the Flashdance routine (in that exact get up on the cover) for her stuffed animals, the mailman, and lawnboy. I had a peeper but he went to jail. They should do an issue about jailhouse love letters. I really need a better webcam. $$$

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