Keywords: Passive Aggressive

by Ct Kingston · View Comments

Christina_Kingston_FURY
I’m angry. I’m furious. I’m fed up and don’t wanna take it anymore. Currently still taking it though, regardless of vehemence and bafflement. Over the past year I’ve been meeting people who act like they’re kind, attentive, thoughtful and in-tune with me. As soon as I open up, a little, they flip the switch. Suddenly the connection stretches until it’s so thin it could snap at any moment, or at least I could. SNAP. Next I’m left wondering if I should do the same, act a fool. And if I don’t then I’m allowing someone to jerk me around.
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If I return the tardation then I’m playing games and I don’t want to do that. I especially don’t want to be forced into it simply because I genuinely want to keep up the contact. But what to do?

Christina_Kingston_SniffI want the flower back, the blooming relationship that got me into the friendship garden in the first place. I’ve expressed this to them. But it’s like telling an alcoholic they’re drunk. They stumble out a rebuttal that slurs into a lie smelling of vodka puke. I feel it’s sorta the same with passive/aggressive people. Attempt to let them know their behavior swings like a pendulum and they claim it’s you, that you’ve got it all wrong. Some may even go the extra mile and claim you’re psychotic. “Oh God, another crazy chick full of drama.” I didn’t create the theater. They wrote, produced and directed the entire 3-act play and expect you to pay for a ticket. All the while claiming they don’t even like plays.

Meanwhile you’re simply trying to get a fair shake and hope they stop the split personality so you can still like them and one day relax without wondering when the next u-turn will take place. Hoping you’re not standing in the middle of the road when it happens.
Christina_Kingston_Search

I have to back up, I have no idea how to deal with these people. They perplex me beyond belief.
I’m a very direct, upfront person and always have been. I know what I want, what I need.
I know who I am. I know my failings and my good traits. Sometimes the bad outweighs the good and when that happens, I apologize. I haven’t a clue how I became a magnet for these passive/aggressives? The entirety of 2009 they came out of the woodwork in droves. Mostly via social networking sites but a couple of them somehow found me IRL buried in a crowd.
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Maybe I should stop bathing and stink them far away from me, but I imagine there’s a better option.
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Tagged as: friendship, PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE, relationships, Self Awareness, Social Networks

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  • sethstaver
    Ct Kingston your photographs and words are worth bowing down to. I'm impressed by this site. I hope you write more frequently.
  • laineyd7
    Chiquita - you're upset and I'm so sorry. So far as I can tell, you're one awesome, honest, emotional, hilarious woman and I hope to meet you, as you say "IRL" sometime soon. Meanwhile, the passive aggressive ones are getting to you - not fair - time to close that door. I've made it a project to spend less time with the people who do me no good (doesn't matter how) and cultivate the real relationships. I have a couple of "friends" who, while perhaps they genuinely loved me for who I am somewhere in the past, call only when they need something these days. If they call me, great, I'll talk and be nice and genuinely interested (that is my nature). But I'm not going out on a limb or putting my eggs in their basket (or some other cliche - you get my drift). I don't think of it as running away, but self-preservation. You're the bomb, and I hope you let it all out here on the page and don't carry this junk around with you. Because it may cause you to retreat, and not, as jeannevb says, have the advantage of meeting that one "pure soul". You can't change these people, but you can control your reaction to them. Difficult? Sometimes. Worth it? Oh, yeah.

    The photos of you here are stunning, by the way. I miss seeing you on Twitter - after the last blog I read that really got to me, about not wasting time, but paying attention to the ones around you IRL, I got a little more protective of my time. Peace, love and hugs! Elaine (DO you like my profile photo - it's my drummer friend, Bill, with a bird on his head - makes me smiles everytime!)
  • I do love your profile photo, ha!! What's that saying??? A bird on the head is worth a bunch of birds in the bush? Naaah, that's not the saying!

    I would dig meeting you in IRL too and we need to make plans for this to happen.
    I'm not sure how I learned IRL "in real life" but I know I learned it while online. Go figure ;-))

    "I don't think of it as running away, but self-preservation."
    Perfection. I'm thinking on that.
  • Batman
    How to deal, without walking away. You ask a tough question. I think I'm going to go with, give back what you get. When you feel manipulated, turn it around on them. Can't think of any specific examples, however, I always goto poker, as there's more to poker than life. Being overly aggressive when faced with passivity is usually the way to go. I hope this makes sense....
  • Ouch, haha, I've done the 'give back' and it only winds up making me a nutjob!
    But hey, without nuts, the banana bread doesn't taste so good! Right?
  • I like your photos. Especially the evil one on the top.
  • Hello young man, would you like a piece of candy?
  • MsGardere
    Hmmmm, I have the slightest idea of how to cope with polling spectrum's because in fact I think I have the same dilemma as you. I find myself getting heated over their waywardness and quite honestly I don't think they know how volatile their swings are...its their natural behavior. Its like skipping rope, double dutch, don't know which rope you're gonna get hit with today if you don't just jump in!
    So how do WE deal.... We let them be and we continue to be. If you have always been upfront to the grimy truth, then keep on...trust, these passive/aggressive beings will still be clueless to their actions.
    Shoot, sister if you ever catch an ounce of passive shady aggressive on my behalf you better call me out, so I can re-evaluate my meds! LOL soooo kidding!
  • Ha! Double Dutch~! I have never caught any negative antics going down in the MsGardere garden! Not once!
    The advice here mostly leans towards ignoring them, thinking it has nothing to do with us, moving on.
    Sadly life isn't that simple and we all know it. But it is something to try... to put up a barrier and let them splat against it. Hmmm
  • jonikennedy
    I'm very direct too. I'm also extremely assertive. I think. I run into the passive aggressive problem most at work when people would rather complain about things that need to be fixed than go have a talk with upper management. The bosses dont always resolve the complaint but at least they're made aware of it. And I'm usually the one making them aware of it. excellent , thought provoking blog as always xxxx I've also noticed more passive aggressiveness on social networking sites. It's easier for people to get away with bad behavior online. & you're better off without these so called "friends" anyway
  • I know how "very direct" you are and it's one of the many reasons I respect you and love having you as a friend.

    Holy crap,
    "I run into the passive aggressive problem most at work when people would rather complain about things that need to be fixed than go have a talk with upper management."

    The same could be said about politics! As you know one of my drunken rants has to do with politics, but it pops up for the above reasons and mostly due to Tequila. However it was in that realm I experience so much of what you speak above... I wiped my hands of that mess.

    I haven't been in an office in ages. Had to become freelance because I'm too unruly. I can only imagine your reactions and interactions with the driftwood, knobs you describe.

    "I've also noticed more passive aggressiveness on social networking sites. It's easier for people to get away with bad behavior online. & you're better off without these so called "friends" anyway"

    Another topic for discussion... ah yes, all the fake bastards pretending to be something they are not and eventually being found out as charlatans so they lash out... or simply vanish. I prefer the vanishing act.

    Hmmm... More HENRY less Passive/Aggressiveness, yes?
  • I totally get the message as I have been confronted with that passive aggressive mental state of wanne be friends too. Never mind that, I see the signs and I do act on it....I rise above the whole "dramaqueen" act and let it go.... it's wishful thinking to try and get to someone like that. Even so, I think I can learn from this. Whatever people I'll meet in my life has to do with my own perspective, how I see and trust myself somehow. It's like a mirror image of your inner self to find in people surrounding you.... It's easy to blame it on someone else it's much harder to confront yourself with your own fears... If you let go of fear and reach out to people in a genuine positive mindset, you'll see a lot of cool friendly people will find their way into your life and make your life happily and solemnly complete! ;-)
  • Roos, holy mutha, I have no idea how I skipped a reply to you. Sorry mate! And a goooood comment you've made.

    "Whatever people I'll meet in my life has to do with my own perspective, how I see and trust myself somehow. It's like a mirror image of your inner self to find in people surrounding you.... It's easy to blame it on someone else it's much harder to confront yourself with your own fears..."

    Right on baby. This makes sense and you're calling me out on my own BS too. Niiiiice.
    I'm pretty good dancing with my own fears. Sometimes I grope my fears too and sometimes we make the love. I'm cool with fear for otherwise I'd not put myself out there as I do. Even still I am surely not blameless in this debacle. It's not 50-50 though. The P/A people are hogging up 80% of the blame.

    "you'll see a lot of cool friendly people will find their way into your life and make your life happily and solemnly complete! "

    Absolutely true, your truth is told. Thank you!
  • Push them to the edge of honesty, force them to realize what they`re doing.

    It is hard to stare at the reflection of someone you hate.
  • "It is hard to stare at the reflection of someone you hate."

    Ooooh, I like this. I have to use it very soon. Hello Joshua, it's cool and adventurous advice to push someone to the edge of honesty. I know quite a few who would just jump off the cliff. But the pushing is daring and worth doing.
  • joelsk
    I had a similar experience with this as well.
    Back in 2008 I went through a pretty bad patch and was a little low. I had problems you could say. I really needed some friends around me. My old group of friends were doing lots of party drugs and it was the wrong way for me to go. So I couldnt go and hangout with them to cheer me up.
    I had myself a bit of a dilemma.
    So I decided to find some new friends. Which I managed to do. But most of them seem to only last about a month or two. Then I would open up to them about what i was going through and SNAP... they'd get all weird on me. Then within weeks i'm hardly hearing from them at all!! :/
    Was I so messed up that nobody actually wanted to know me? Was my problem to much for them to deal with? Did people just not care anymore? ....were some if the thoughts I had.

    Like you, i couldnt find that feeling i had had in previous friendships. Where's that mutual desire to hangout with someone? I missed that feeling so. I missed having those people that you can tell absolutely anything to. Those people you use as filters to check things before you do thing.

    Le Sigh.

    But then I was lucky enough to meet my Friend Susan. Whom introduced me to Twitter. With which I have managed to find some amazing people whom have now become my closet friends, my confiders, my shouldrs to rest my head on, my best friends. They are amazing and i'm eternally greatful that Susan (@suziam) taught that Flash class I took that time. Anyways, I'm babbling.

    Its great to read an open and honest blogpost :) Always good work.

    Joelian
  • People who stop following me on twitter for no reason at all.
    That really gets my goat.

    *bites knuckle*
    *runs away crying*
  • Very funny Borty, very funny. This has been remedied.
  • Hi CTK. Excellent post. I might be wrong but I believe we touched on this issue in a tweet discussion & @Krystynchong at one point.

    As far as my comments go, I agree with Ninibaseema's comment above: How one deal's with a personal negative issue such as what you brilliantly posted is a personal one based on so many factors - personnality, upbringing, personal experiences in relationships etc. There is no right or wrong way to do things, only what is right for YOU.

    All the kind people that has generously posted their feedback have given their side of their stories and how they would react to similar situations. It would be up to you of which these advices and other people's experiences fit best for you.

    I believe all experiences as negative as it seems is good for our personal development for the present and the future. If those negative experiences with certain type of negative people keep happening I think it's the universe trying to strengthen and deepen our personal growth until such time we totally see what we are suppose to learn from it.

    And finally we change from within through a total and final mindshift and attitude on how to deal with it which fits us best, usually by controlling our own reaction rather than trying to control and understand why people are so negative towards us, or ceasing to put in too much thought in such negative behaviour towards us from others and just simply move on from the behaviour and/or the person(s).

    Friendship is a difficult balance. From most comments above, I agree that true friends will hang around with you for better or for worse, through all kinds of disagreements and bad behaviours from both sides. Sometime it takes both sides to walk away to understand how important the other person is to each other. Sometime it takes compassion rather than judgement to smooth the friendship/ relationship. Sometime it is simply just the time to part and move on from each other. Nevertheless, life lessons have definitely transpired between both sides, whether each person knows it or not and/or whether the lesson is learnt or not.

    Life is about change. Sometime it's beautiful, sometime it's painful. Most of the times it's both :)
  • We may have touched on this issue before... my memory is fuzzy for tweetage but crystal clear for the IRL bastards who step up and step on us!

    I enjoy all of the advice and have soaked it in. Thank you for stopping by and contributing your own wisdoms.

    "Friendship is a difficult balance. From most comments above, I agree that true friends will hang around with you for better or for worse, through all kinds of disagreements and bad behaviours from both sides. Sometime it takes both sides to walk away to understand how important the other person is to each other. Sometime it takes compassion rather than judgement to smooth the friendship/ relationship. Sometime it is simply just the time to part and move on from each other. Nevertheless, life lessons have definitely transpired between both sides, whether each person knows it or not and/or whether the lesson is learnt or not. "

    Lovely, truly lovely. I await a blog from you on a similar subject. I really like the head on your shoulders.
  • First time I've ever read anything here or heard of Ct Kingston.

    Hm...

    Not sure what to say I guess. I'd like to give you advice but of course we don't know each other. I could hardly feel confident giving advice based on one blog post of information about somebody.

    Even so, this is clearly a passion piece you've written here. And when you write straight from passion, without filtering (though I'm guessing you still held back a bit), that's typically the best feedback you can get. Go take 24 hours off, then come back and read your own words. Learn from yourself, I guarantee you will. Though you also seem wise enough to already know that, based on how ahead of the curve you seem after reading your words.

    What you're experiencing is just growing up. You're not alone, you're actually in the majority here. Almost all people experience the exact same thing you are describing here, but many simply do not talk about it, either because they don't want to, don't have the words, or are unfortunately unaware that they are in such a situation. Don't pity them, just be glad you're self-aware and consciously self-actualizing.
  • Tyler, apologies for welcoming you so late. I escaped my natural habitat for a couple of weeks to see what IRL was all about! I'm back and very happy to see new faces stopping by.

    I sometimes wonder if the best advice is actually given by those who know very little at all about a person's life. Sometimes I feel it could be true. The less one knows, the less one will presume, assume, judge, nag...etc... The advice of a stranger could very well be the purist.

    I know most of us have experienced the P/A types and many never noticed or had no 'name' for it at the time. High School, for one, was ripe with P/A behavior. Maybe that's just my High School (of which I attended many.) Hmmm... It's a muddy subject. Let's get the hose and spray it clean!
  • No worries, thanks for taking the time. We all need to do that sometimes. If you're like me, it's almost all the time :)

    Strangers' advice can indeed by useful, in so many ways. Balance is most important, so why not balance advice from those you hold closest with those whom you've never met? I like.
  • I had a friend just like that. And I'm also honest and direct. I would talk about my feelings, when he irritated me etc and he would nod and "yeah you're right" me and after a few days ignore me again then go crazy over me all over again. Add a jealous gf in the mix and he stopped talking to me altogether, I blew up and we've cut all virtual ties. Pretty no?
    So all I can tell you is to try and distance yourself emotionally so that you don't care when they "forget" about you. ;-)
  • Lisa,
    Ug, I know that scenario! Ick... But this was "virtual" only? You're very lucky there. The inperson stuff is even more harrowing. Either way it's a menace and the next time we see it coming let's both run! Promise me that.
  • For once, I don't know what to say Tina.

    I know these types of people but luckily I've had to deal with very few. I've been fortunate in them becoming very visible early on and it's allowed me to make my escape. Sometimes though, they're very deceptive and suck you in and then it's too late.

    I guess it's then that real friends come through; real friends don't judge; real friends offer you the shoulders you need.

    Real friends are here whenever you need them.

    Thank you for opening up and sharing - that not only takes balls but helps others come to terms and offer shared help too.
  • "Sometimes though, they're very deceptive and suck you in and then it's too late."
    That's it right there for if we all saw it early on none of us would be further involved.
    And then maybe all of the p/a people would form a group and stick to themselves.
    We need a magician to make this happen. I'll put an ad in Craigslist ;-))

    Thanks for stopping by Danny Brown. A pleasure as always.
  • You totally ROCKED with this blog entry. Loved and enjoyed what you had to say.. I encounter the same problems/issues often, I mean close enough with friendships and relationships. Right when you open up to someone, she/he goes opposite direction. Hate when people to that to me. Glad you posted this awesome writing of yours. So true and so honest! Gorgeous pictures by the way! Love ya, girlfriend! :-)
  • Maybe we have both been encountering it because we both go into a friendship hoping for the best.
    Perhaps not the way to handle new relationships ;-)) We'll have to discuss behind the scenes at some point.
    Thanks for the kind word on my writing. Coming from you... good stuff!
  • Ahh, Tina... this is part of what I try to deal with in "badbadbad." What does intimacy look like in a culture of violence, hypocrisy and e-communication? Bottom line: it looks like shit. It's passive-aggressive, disingenuous, self-serving, bipolar at worst, whimsical at best.

    In my experience, the only way to deal and preserve your own sanity is to disengage. There are less fucked-up individuals out there to connect with on a human level. Find them. Circle the wagons. Protect yourself from the haters.

    It's important to realize that it's never YOU. I don't care how crazy you think you are (unless of course you're crazier than you seem, but I somehow doubt it...). Just like in any less-than-functional (i.e., far from mutually respectful) relationship, there's no way through, only out. There's little value in trying to figure out where you went wrong, how to right ill-perceived wrong, how to just make someone *see*... it doesn't work like that. It's not about you.

    When a relationship, so-called, ends up in the muck, it's time to move on. Period. Exclamation point.

    Humanity sometimes lacks humanity... but you already knew that, no?

    Peace,
    JesusAngelGarcia...
  • What a great comment! What a lucid mind. Thanks much for sharing.

    BadBadBad is an interesting creation. Bravo for it. I hope you're getting great attention and many eyes devouring it in a goodgoodgood way.

    Frankly when the shit hits the fan and the theater begins I can become all of these "It's passive-aggressive, disingenuous, self-serving, bipolar at worst, whimsical at best." However it's simply time to stop auditioning or helping to cast so many bad actors. If I can manage to avoid that I'll not play a villain anymore, I'll get the amusing lead role!

    Oh and
    "There's little value in trying to figure out where you went wrong, how to right ill-perceived wrong, how to just make someone *see*... it doesn't work like that. It's not about you."

    The only way it's "about me" is if I've become close and it is directed "at me"... the underlying factors of course began way before I hit the scene. Yes! The "how to make one see" -Ha... yes, attempting that is a disaster!

    Again thanks for the comment, your words are always welcome.
  • Same to you, Tina. Good to hear from you. It had been a while. I was a little worried, hoping you were alright. Glad to know you're back in the thick.

    Thank you for 3xbad props. Yeah, a lot of readers dropped good feedback on that 3:AM story. Funny how so many people had so many different favorite parts. Also very strange carving shorts out of a novel, but I'm finding them. Curious how they emerge.

    Anyway, welcome back. Onward we go...
  • I was gallivanting across the globe, spreading my BS to the masses! I'm back now. I need to drop tons of words on 3xbad... why have I not? This must happen and soon!
  • An Other or an Us?
    If it is never YOU, then who are all of these passive agressive people? Perhaps everyone is passive agressive and they're ALL in denial, thinking that it's not them, it's "the others." ;-)

    Perhaps everyone is actually doing their best trying to communicate and trying to explain themselves? This communication thing can be difficult, first figuring out what you yourself really need, and then learning how to connect with your relationships to let them know what you need, and then hoping that you communicated in a way that they can understand.

    Sometimes it seems as if everyone is speaking their own language while we are all experiencing the same emotions and the same suffering... looking everywhere to connect.
  • I hope "in reply to jesusangelgarcia" is seen by jesusangelgarcia!
  • P.S. The middle picture is GAWGEOUS!
  • I say - focus on the real friends.

    90% of the new people one meets will never make it past a certain stage of superficiality. Doesn't matter what you do / don't do. It isn't a reflection of your likeability - it's just the way it is.

    I used to have this problem as welll: I'd have one-night or multiple-night emotional stands and then they'd distance themselves And, 'cause no one wants to be the bad guy, passive-aggressive methods are usually the way people try to bail.

    Then I realized that I was focusing way too much on the 90%. So, instead I started focusing on the 10%.

    Amazingly, once I started focusing on the 10%, it suddenly seemed as though the 90% disappeared. Of course, that's not true - they're still a-comin' around and make up the majority of my interactions.

    But, when you fill up all your thoughts with stuff like, "omg, if it weren't for Twitter, I wouldn't have met _____, and how awesome that we're sympatico!" then there is no room to think about those who fade away.

    I say - continue to keep your heart on your sleeve. Because the 10% respond to that in you.
  • ninibaseema
    Well- this is a complex question and I believe there is no "one right answer" for it. Everyone deals and copes with unpleasent relationships and "guh"- friendship experiences diffrently. So I truely believe that there is not "one right way" of doing so. What's more important is to find a way that works for YOU! And that's a highly personal business!

    In my case - it's like that:
    I simply "know" that the negativity that people bring into my life is something that is entirely theirs!
    It has a lot to do with their past, how they grew up, what experiences they have made, how elaborate they are, what kind of conflict culture they have been exposed to and what kind of success they have had with their own personal strategy in their life. What also comes into play are physical components such as "hormones" /cylce issues, or psychological factors such as existing coping strategies for protecting the integrity of a weak psychological self (child hood trauma victims have that a lot and usually thats something you are not informed about up front).
    And keeping that in mind I simply KNOW that it can have NOTHING - and I repeat and emphazize it because it is a crucial insight- NOTHING to do with me or my actions or "unactions" in the present. It's more a reflection of what happened to them in the past and I have pitty for them when all they have for you is negativity!

    What follows out of that for me is that:
    Just because someone else is pissy, unfair, blocked, frustrated and hammered it doesnt follow that I have to take their negativity in, deal with it or even react to it in a similar manner! You can simply say to yourself "ok thats that for them today, its not good but its theirs and I accept it but wont let it affect me!"
    Nobody says that's easy to not "react" but consciously decide to "act" according to your own standards regardless what happens but to me it's a source of a drama free life and works therefore. I simply prefer taking over responsibility for myself and leave other people to deal with themselves. It doesnt mean that I have to "leave" those people- quite the contrary, I can accept what is there's but it no longer affects me on a personal level. It's simply "their problem" and if they feel like they ought to turn away from me as a consequence- well then that's theirs too - at least I tried to be a good person- that's all a human being can do anyways!
  • I've known you for years and can vouch for your enormous heart and acceptance, or rather, understanding of all humans walking this crazy earth. I think if it's a purely friendship basis it's a bit easier to turn the other cheek and maybe even walk in the other shoes... Now if it's romantic relationship based, that's gets sticky depending on how long it's been going on before the p/a kicks in. Regardless of the variables, sure it may be healthier to think it has 'nothing' to do with you, but in actuality it probably does... Sorry to be gloomy, but honestly some bad behavior does not come out of thin air.
  • ninibaseema
    You're right, in romantic relationships - in particular if they have been going on for a while- that's very difficult and there is a great chance that a lot of the negativity may be self inflicted. But I also think that the only thing you can do is to be as authentic and honest as possible about how YOU yourself feel in a situation and try to not re-act but more act on what your own convictions are. And then hope that the other one responds to it with the same honesty and authenticity.
    And that's not always easy - and when there is no common ground any more, its probably better to go seperate ways or to invest in help and see if a third person can help you sort it out. Letting go, holding on, one never knows whats the best. And every situation is unique - every misunderstanding has its own dynamics. I guess we all have our amount of reserves and need to deal with situation in accordance to whats been given to us in that respect. :*** Big kiss though and thanks for the sweet words on my heart. ;)
  • "Letting go, holding on, one never knows whats the best. And every situation is unique - every misunderstanding has its own dynamics."

    Very well said! And I have way more words than that regarding your heart.
  • Nsedef
    While you can't always control how others behave, you can control how you react to their behavior. And while others may disappoint at times, I agree with an earlier commenter that knowing exactly what to expect of people makes all the difference. That said, there's nothing better than authentic relationships..whether with the best of soulmates, or of the "budding" variety. When somebody is worth it, I typically call them out on it.

    Thanks for your honesty, Tina.
  • Beautifully said. I think my trouble is I feel anyone who broke into my circle as being worth a little more ear and care than the random strangers... I'm wrong!
  • Jennyablue
    Tina, This post (like all your posts), makes me think. I believe I'm Aggressive/Passive. I make noise, then listen. For P/A - Test them. Devise a quiz. Trust no one. Study nature/nurture, Social Traps, Mirror-Image Perceptions, Mere Exposure Effect, Social Exchange Theory and Superordinate Goals. If none of that helps, come see me for further instructions. Your ever-social, Jennyablue oxo
  • Good idea to "trust no one" ...always a good idea!
  • My first reaction is: "Is she talking about me? She's talking about me, I bet. Maybe not. But probably. No, not me. I did a video! I raised money for charity at her behest! Is that enough? I wonder what friendship is, anyway. I wonder what the difference between words and action is - especially considering I am a writer - a writer! - one who writes - and writing is an act. Especially as one writer to another. My sister tells me that words are 'just' words." And so on. And then I thought: "Should I even say what I'm thinking? I ain't fishing for affirmation."

    Me me me.
  • Thanks for the wild ride ;=))
  • You a'ight, Will.
  • Good question! I think his comment was meant for this blog:
    http://ctkingston.com/how-to-comment-blogs/

    Not mine!! hahaha!!!
  • Now a days people is so full of drama, including me LOL! but i care a great deal about any friendship because a great friendship is absolutely priceless. People also forgot what is friendship stands for, it is not about business deal or not about what you achieve from someone.

    People will become your friend, but there are friends who lasts and who doesn't.

    I feel anyone needed to be passionate and emotional to divide the real and unreal friends. Once you know them you will know how to deal with them, whom to give the heart and whom to talk professionally.
  • Ruhani, you're quite right, yes you are, thanks! Friendship is priceless until a friend asks for money. But even that is fine if ... well, that's not been a problem for me. I value friendship and I guess it'll always be a "live & learn" unless I, or we, stop putting ourselves out there... out there, open to the possibility of epic fail.
  • jeffersonreid
    Blooming friendships often go to seed too soon, especially when buried in the fertilizer that is the Passive/Aggressive. Just keep shoveling is the only thing to do. Love the beautifully tenebrous photos and the suitably emotional prose to match.
  • Well spoken. And thank you for the kind words! So glad to have you as my friend. Looks like I do get lucky sometimes ;-))
  • James Bond
    I feel you. So tired of the drama, yet wondering how to deal with it. What may have started out as a good opportunity for acquaintanceship ends up being a duck-and-cover situation. I have yet to figure out how to deal. Mostly I end up using soothing words, and then making myself scarce for a while to see if they come out of their insanity.
    Truly, if I come across any further solutions, I'll let you know!
  • Great solution... and probably bestes to simply not go back at all. That's what I'm learning.
  • Ludovicah
    I have the exact same problem. What in my family is regarded as steadfastness and loyalty is apparently seen by the rest of the world as needy or clingy. People want to be able to turn relationships on and off like a tap at their own convenience, but can you dare to point this out? No, that just makes it worse; until a combination of keeping it in and trying to look unhurt on my side, and their avoidance just subtly shifts the "blame" or responsibility on to the only person who apparently seems to care.. me. Great for the self esteem.. not. Is it any wonder its hard to connect or build any sort of lasting relationships on such a flimsy basis. Pity. Sorry I don't know where all that came from, but you obviously articulated this dilemma well enough to set me off..
  • Ludovicah THANK YOU for writing! What a great comment and I know exactly what you mean. See the comment above from 'Wookiesgirl' ... that's great advice. It's hard to do, very hard, but if done in baby steps perhaps eventually we can simply ignore the shitters and just think of ourselves... she didn't actually "say THAT" but in a way that's one of the only ways to avoid these low life scumbags from infiltrating our lives and sucking our emotions dry.
  • "What in my family is regarded as steadfastness and loyalty is apparently seen by the rest of the world as needy or clingy."

    Amen!

    This has been HUGELY destructive to my career. And you're right: you can't say anything. Calling it out allows the other to deny everything.
  • ["What in my family is regarded as steadfastness and loyalty is apparently seen by the rest of the world as needy or clingy."

    Amen! ]]]

    Indeed. Cheers to you Dave... eventually we'll figure out a way to close the door on these manipulative bastards. If I find a way first, I'll be right back here to share the wealth!
  • Wookiesgirl
    Hello Ct... What I have learned is that I cannot take people personally when they are acting insane towards me.. I even go as far as to not take them personally when they do something directly to me. How you ask? Well I remind myself that most people are broken. I have a choice.. I can take that shit present they just wrapped up for me upon myself or I can choose not to. Dropping it at the trash can. This is easier said then done. The good news is I am a magnet as well to the broken and deranged so I get lot's of opportunity to practice. I also have to remember to not have expectations of these people of any sort. If I am successful and defining their place in my head I can usually have a successful relationship with them. Their actions and behavior doesn't affect me. I only get dropped on my ass when I forget and start having expectations of them again. So I take responsibility for my part. I get to choose who affects me and who doesnt. I have more friends that way and they get to be who they are... Nice, fucked up, passive aggressive, distant.. whatever!

    Hope that helps some..of course you might just read what I wrote, shake your head and mumble to yourself.. "what is Wookiesgirl talking about"

    Love and kisses to ya chica!
  • Great philosophy. I can't go fully down that route but I do admire and respect you for being able to do so. I keep a small circle... I'd have to expand it triple fold to adhere to your wisdom... Then again, perhaps that would be the better way to go about it... Thanks hon!
  • jeannevb
    What a beautifully honest blog, Tina. Everyone in our lives is brought to us for a lesson. Sometimes we love them, they use us, we leave them... and repeat the pattern with the next, over and over again until we finally learn the lesson. Some people are brought to us for the simple lesson of learning to say "I don't want you in my life" without feeling guilty. But I fundamentally believe that even in the thousands of "followers" out there, if we all find just one... one pure soul... then putting up with all the passive/aggressive users is worth it.
  • Thanks Jeanne. At this point I've had plenty of lessons, I'm ready to teach the course, but it doesn't pay enough to warrant a career change.

    I'd love to trust in,
    "But I fundamentally believe that even in the thousands of "followers" out there, if we all find just one... one pure soul... then putting up with all the passive/aggressive users is worth it."
    Would love to.
  • Such an open post, putting your heart out into the ether, as it were. (Never understood the heart on a sleeve metaphor.)
    Feedback? I'm the last to offer advice, but feedback I always love feedback and will pay it forward in this case.
    We can't change other people, but we can work on understanding ourselves through others. When a pattern develops in our relationships, it is often something inside ourselves that is attracting that, evoking it from others around us.
    Leaving a relationship? With a few key exceptions, I've been seldom the one to leave. Like most men, I do things to provoke the other person into leaving. There's a psychology term for that, but its name escapes me at the moment.
  • I'm liking "heart out into the ether" although that sounds potentially more dangerous than heart on the sleeve. Thanks for words David. You intelligent, likable fella you. I agree that when bad people troll in, it's probably because I left the door open. I need to keep checking the locks as well as get a better alarm system.

    "Like most men, I do things to provoke the other person into leaving. There's a psychology term for that, but its name escapes me at the moment."

    Hilarious!
  • Yeah, I almost typed "heart on the sleeve" but it seems such a hopelessly lost metaphor today, I feared people might leave your blog to go look it up on Google to find its origins.... which was what I did. Twice now. Ether doesn't quite do it either, does it? Sounds rather medical, and it was supposed to be a reference to the world wide web and our wireless, tweeting from the nightclub type of culture we're in now.... but is much less romantic than the bloodied sleeve, isn't it. So why don't we give the heart another stab (as it were) and try this:

    "She wears her heart in the clouds." PHRASE (lit. metaphor.; vulgate) DEF: One who confides thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes and aspirations through Information Communication Technologies (see ICT), specifically with reference to wireless ICT's with candor reserved normally for private conversations. (See also Ct Kingston) XXI, North America, Mod. English
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