Riding Thigh Machine: In The Situation Room

by Ct Kingston · View Comments

At the gym, I like to gaze upon the other sweaty people and watch as they grunt.
I enjoy deciding if their exertion looks more like toilet-face or an in progress big O.
It’s better than watching Wolf Blitzer babble out BS on CNN, in his “The Situation Room.”

ThighMachine_StagFleet

My health club never has anything good on TV.
It’s always Wolf and for some reason Wolf is always on at all hours.
I don’t think he sleeps. He hasn’t given us any news in years so it’s time he take a nap.
ChristinaKingston_AChair
On the speakers my gym plays a narrow variety of tunage.
And no matter how hard I try to avoid it, when I land on the thigh machine, Frankie Goes To Hollywood is often crooning about “when you want to come…”
That doesn’t help keep the bone daddies at bay. I do my ogling at strangers on the down low. They sure don’t.
.
By the time I straddle the thigh machine, ready to ride, I’m sweaty and near collapse. Seeing the guys across from me getting lusty, watching my face strain as it glistens, my thighs rhythmically open and close to the techno beat of Frankie… this attention is last on my need of wants list.
.
It’s not only me who gets this thigh machine pick-up. Nearly every woman scores the offering. I keep a wide scan on the action, watch closely, keeping dirty tabs on these health nuts as
I run in place or elliptically engage on the cardio machines. Sure, yes, I sneakily watch closely the horn doggy ways. I pay attention just as hard as I ignore Wolf Blitzer.
.
.
.
I sometimes feel I can smell the scent of these men forcing their burst of pheromones into the air.
But again, all my lascivious viewing and sniffing is top secret.

wolf_blitzer_Thigh_Master
The worst part of this entire situation is that I often wind up dehydratedly dazed, confused and end up leaving the gym thinking I just banged Blitzer. Hell, maybe I did.
.

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P.S. Don’t ask about my above self portrait. It involves a chair, but otherwise I have no idea what I’m doing. Do you? And are you a gym user? If so what machine is your poison? And by chance do you have ungodly thoughts about your fellow workout companions? If you don’t exercise, do you drink low calorie beer? Do you crush on Wolf Blitzer?
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Tagged as: CNN, exercise, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, situation room, Wolf Blitzer

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{ 100 comments }

@sensible

damn this complicated comment submission form and it's tantalizing ability to make me double post

Rey-Rey

So I used to go to the gym regularly. Then I rolled my ankle in basketball. Now I look like an elephant except for the twenty-foot nose. Part of the reason why I took a break from blogging was because I needed to lose like 3,731 pounds. And I wanted to PLAY basketball again in regular speed before I turn 47 years old and play in slow-motion.

Initially, I just wanted to grab women's butts and thighs. But later on, I got so focused on working out that I ACTUALLY stopped being a horndog around the gym. I thought there was something wrong with me. Well, maybe there was. Here I was at the elliptical seeing Tony Little and the Gazelle on the TV right in front of me. Of course, I wanted to see a woman right after that.

Man, what was I supposed to say again? Yeah, great blog post. And despite the rhinoceros weight that I carry, I still look better than Wolf Blitzer. Of course, I wish I had a cool name like Wolf Blitzer. I like dogs. Maybe you can also call me Woof Blitzer.

Vonia

Ha ha, I too have imagined that I could see the cloud of pheromones in the air at the gym. The leering used to make me a bit uncomfortable , but I learned how to put on my headphones and pretend to be oblivious.
I do frequest the gym, but these days I tend to stick to the group fitness classes. I like to work out with people who are suffering as much as I and are drenched in equal amounts of sweat. My favorite work out is reaction spin. This fact surprises me, since I never like biking much before I joined that class.

Kudos on getting your legs through the back of that chair! The thigh machine is definitely paying off. If I tried that, I would most certainly have to have the chair cut off by a strapping and I imagine very hunky fireman. Hmmmmm, now there's a thought ;)

nancy

My gym is located in the exact opposite of dangerous. Redondo beach. Ever since Eminem hit the scene white guys are feeling gangster with the need to wear head scarfs, wife beaters and sunglasses when they work out. Most of them are wannabe's but you never know when your gonna cross paths with that one Columbine dude…smh

Ct Kingston

Oh God, Eminem is a shyster! Ug on that bandanna shizz. But I wear wife beaters constantly, let's give them a pass on that one ;-) Okay babe, steer clear of those Columbine Crazies. I beg you!

Ct Kingston

Oh Oh Oh I was on your site before! It's sooooooo COOL~!!! I should put it in my blogroll! Yeah!

Ct Kingston

Girl what? How many eyeballs do you have for you to read 3&4 books all at once? heh. I should read more books. After I turned 21 and could drink legally, books slowly fell by the wayside. Shameful of me, true.

Have you met @booksbelow? He's a bookseller of old books… cool fella.

Wolf Blitzer is our new nightmare of walking corpse. That guy needs a foot up the ass. YES!
He's so boring. I had the New Years Rockin' Eve on TiVo and Wolf was on the phone for it, he was so lame, drunk and boring I nearly vomited into my pepto bismol :(

Thanks for stopping by sweetheart :) Come anytime. Bring books!!

Ct Kingston

No worries. I squared away the duplicate :) Cuz' I'm tech-savvy like that! YO

Ct Kingston

I can imagine you in my tight black dress. It's a dress. It has colorfull pantyhose wrapped around the top, connect by safety pins ;-) I've never worn it out, only for photos. And if I could do a shoot with you, I'd put you in and I'd get you a better more agreeable chair! Thanks for kickin' it here on the bloggy blog. Love seeing you.

Ct Kingston

Rolled an ankle in basketball? ROLLED? What the hell? Boyeeeee… An elephant now? What the hell? Boyeeee…
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA dude, you and your exaggerated weight issues. I'm going to whoop your ass, for real!
Plus your age issues. I know you're only 21. I know because I was stalking you and saw you finally use a genuine ID to go into the Strip Club!

I hear ya though on the grab assing. If i was a dude, I'd have my fly unzipped always even at work, so women could see my manhood. I'd take pictures of it and measure it and pleasure it all day long. That'd be how I roll as a dude. Plus I'd never shave so there was a monster fro below… chicks love that! *FYI*

Who is Tony Little? That is in a Frank Zappa lyric. I better Google. Damn you Rey&Rey for making me work so hard.

WOOF BLITZER is a great dog name… and of course you are sexier than that CNN bastard!

Ct Kingston

OMG Tony Little and the Gazelle… just Googled! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Ct Kingston

Oooolala, please rewrite my post for me,
“cloud of pheromones in the air at the gym”
That's HOT! Love that!
And the headphones thing seems to be the only way to… hey wait, people above mentioned headphones as
an escape too and I am suddenly getting dawned upon with knowledge that headphones only go on the ears not the eyes. What the hell are you people talking about?! Sketchy bastards.

I've never done the reaction spin. That sounds coolio. Will look into it.

“If I tried that, I would most certainly have to have the chair cut off by a strapping and I imagine very hunky fireman.”

Stop your nonsense! You know you got the hot bod. The fireman though, um, oh yeah. What did I say to you first in this reply? Oh wait, it was: OOOOOOOOLALA

Firemen. [pant]

mfeige

Jeanne you are too awesome

mfeige

OMG JENN you have me LOL wutting all over the place omg.

jesusangelgarcia

That would be amazing. Really. I'd be honored to blogroll with ya.

mfeige

CTK1 Great work as usual. I was a little worried that I wasn't gonna be able to come through with a good blog comment. Because more recently when I've gone to the Gym I've been such an out of shape embarrassment I couldn't bare to look at anyone for fear they were looking at me, no need to worry about that, they weren't. Then when I first started Gym-ing it regularly it was mostly old people who worked out the Gym I did so OMG NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT OMG.

Then I was like oh right, I went to High School, for most of my senior year I worked out. I mean high school is like grunting and hormones everywhere. You add the fact that I went to a boarding school where the rules were super strict and everyone was too hard on themselves. Those kids needed some release, myself included. Well there was a period my senior year where I had both a Boyfriend and a Girlfriend…Yeah I was a confused child. How I got to the point with the Boyfriend and the Girlfriend is a long story and what I mean by that, is I don't want to tell it and I'm sure ain't nobody wanna hear it either.

Anyway by some crazy circumstance we all ended up at the gym at the same time, mostly that we had to be there and get checked in by my History Teacher, who was a militant, workout obsessed, 60 year old gay man. His name was Mr. Sauerman, literally pronounced SOUR-MAN. Even though he once threw my paper at me because it was too long, he is one of my favorite teachers I ever had. I'd like to go back and make it clear that I'm not joking when I say workout obsessed, like all of the sleeves of his t-shirts were stretched out because of his biceps. As long as you stayed on his good side, he was a totally sweet and tender man.

Anyway, that's why we were all there at the same time, because if we didn't we'd have to spend Saturday Night in a lecture hall, with no computers with a teacher watching us forbidding us to do pretty much anything. Right, this story is about the Gym. So I'm not good or particularly dedicated at working out, I do it, I like to be in shape, but I don't have a serious regimen or do lots of wait lifting or anything. I spent most of my time on the bike and I spent a bunch of time doing sit-ups and the like. Both my boyfriend and my girlfriend on the other hand were serious gym people, they had routines, they ran, lifted weights, thought a lot about their routines, etc. Anyway every time I went to the Gym it was a constant battle to well, lets just say, stay focused on biking. I'd try to focus on having my leg on either side of the seat and the repetitive motion, but that never helped. I couldn't look anywhere without seeing a sweaty person I was having relations with, I managed to avoid grunting, but I know I had cool myself down more than a few times. My head wasn't the only thing during those workout sessions. In particular my boyfriend towards the end of his workout after he was already steamy he always did this exercise for his butt that involved some kind of thrusting, all I remember is that I couldn't look at it for fear of manipulating my gym shorts, but I was never able to look away. It was always during those Gym sessions that I made plans for later. So I've definitely had “ungodly” thoughts about my workout partners and then I have later done “ungodly” things with them… Oh High School. It was all very covert since the school did not condone the kids engaging such unbecoming behavior. Of course there were much fewer restrictions on boy-boy interactions as all the guys lived together, but keeping it secret from everyone added its own layer of espionage.

Speaking of keeping it secret from everyone else the worst was during fire drills, which due to idiot football players bashing their thick skulls into the fire alarms we seemed to have once every other week. Of course fire drills were the worst because there was no way to prepare and we were both heavy sleepers. One of us would wake up, heart racing as we realized the fire alarm was going off and as we heard the housemasters (teachers who lived in the building) banging on doors and letting themselves it, the heart would suddenly stop. Whoever was up would quickly wake the other up and hope they could get their clothes back on, get back to their room and then outside for roll car without anyone noticing anything suspicious, let alone one of the adults who'd quickly crucify us and possibly get us ejected from the school entirely. It kept us on our toes.

Matty (as Tina calls me)

PS. I can't stand CNN it makes me suicidal and it's my roommates favorite channel. I had sit through an hour of it today and Wolf's Situation Room. I almost went postal.

Brian

Can you expand on this a bit.

Ct Kingston

DONE… you have been blogrolled!

mfeige

Nope pretty sure that's it. everything that was in my brain. . . wait. All the equipment was red metal. Also my teacher was bald.

Lynn H

Remind me never to workout with you! Too funny… I drink light beer and do not particularly want to do anything with or to Wolf.

Ct Kingston

Oh Matt, you wild man, you! I love this! It reminds me of back in the day when I was nothing more than a vagabond guest blogger and you cam over and rocked the place out! Thanks babe.

Moving on…

Wut Wut
“I couldn't look at it for fear of manipulating my gym shorts”
O M G Matty Matthews! You are the bling bling! BTW what's going on in your gym shorts?
Is that were the “things happen” that maybe DMs even get scared of? Wahahahaha…

Yo check out TheNoLookPass, Rey&Rey above… are you two both trying to tell me you're excessively watching your figures? This is an outrage! Stop the madness. Here's the key to skinny: If it is White or Yellowish, don't eat it :) Plus I hear commenting blogs works up quite a sweat too!

Wolf Blitzer would fuck up reportage on this comment of yours, so I understand why you hate him!
Plus… he … he doesn't seem very gifted in the romance department and that's where you and I like to shop for the best sales!

Oh Oh
FIRE DRILL Matt, Fire Drill… next time or anytime, don't put on clothes. Actually if you are wearing clothes when the alarm rings, strip the rags off. Run down in the buff and be all faux confused.

That's IKEA actings.
!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Matty Matthews !!!!!!!!!!!!

Ct Kingston

I'm stoic on the machines. I'm top secret in my doings, for real. No one at the club would have any idea whatsoever that I was clocking them… I am doing it though, so I understand your hesitance to gym-up with me. heh heh

Ct Kingston

FOR YOU EVERYDAY
http://www.ctkingston.com/HappyBirthDayReyRey.mp3

It's yer BIRFDAY it's YER birfDay

iamkhayyam

Pfft… jocks. I used to be one. Squatting away, grunting like Maria Sharapova in the French Open. I would wear my baggy tie-dyed shirts with the sleeves ripped off (you know, to show off the guns) with the Hammer pants. With my wrist straps dangling, I would crawl underneath the bench press and go through my psych-up. Grunting away, grabbing the bar methodically measured out. Pinky hitting the plates, wide spread, then taking the thumb as my marker position with my middle finger and wrapped my wrist straps around and around.

This is where I induced my heavy breathing, snorting and then announced to all that could hear how many reps I would do, oh, and the weight. “245 for 5″… “238 for 8″ … “214 for 14″. You get the picture. After slamming the bar down as loudly as possible I would bow-leggedly walk to my water bottle which was filled with creatine and whey powder. And swig it so it would run down my sweaty tie-dyed shirt :)

The gym that I worked out in did not have fancy schmancy moving picture boxes. Although, sometimes, late at night, I'd pop in my C&C Music Factory in the ghetto blaster and do the running man (and the Reebok, I was good).

Regardless, my point… oh shit, what was my point… oh ya… I dropped the gym all together. I “found” yoga. I no longer grunted, instead I would moan. Moan with joy as the women in Lululemon bent over and formed human pretzels. This was the ultimate in clothed prOn. I could stink and everyone thought it was so chic to be natural and manly. When I could pranayam with the best of them, girls would come up and tell me how impressed they were with my lungs. I had no choice but to respond, “Oh honey, you've got a great set of lungs!”

So, all in all… I'm now humming my way to nirvana. Instead of creatine and whey powder I gobble down goji berries and drink filtrated ionized water.

Om shanti… Om :)

msb

this is exactly why i duct tape my cock to my quad before zumba class

Ct Kingston

Coming back for this tomorrow!!!! You Are The Winner.

Ct Kingston

Um? Okay…

AmyLaurel

LOL

Brian

LOL

AmyLaurel

Matt I super duper love you!! Great story! Makes me wish I didn't go to public school.

Ct Kingston

Ha!

Dan Dashnaw

Locker room? What's that? Ah wait – yes, those spooky things. I've heard of them, but hell no – I'll never go into one of those. I change in the privacy of my own home, drive to the gym, work out, and then swiftly jet back to my house to reapply my traditional civilian garb.

Entering the men's locker room at my gym would be a hideous mistake. Undressing me with your eyes is one thing, but undressing me with your eyes while your man-junk hanging is out is a whole other ballgame. Yes indeed, pun intended. ;-)

krizzz

CNN and workouts don't match… Spice Platinum would be so much better. It'd distract the people who perv on decent people who try to get in shape, nor would anyone notice anymore how heavy some people can breathe when they work out. Problem solved…

krizzz

CNN and workouts don't match… Spice Platinum would be so much better. It'd distract the people who perv on decent people who try to get in shape, nor would anyone notice anymore how heavy some people can breathe when they work out. Problem solved…

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