The Death of Sex
Jan 29th
Nearly all deaths are sad and shocking, making us cry out, “Why? Why did this happen? It’s so unfair!” Unfair indeed, although it’s a fact of life, nothing can live forever. Especially Sex. If you attended Sex’s funeral, what would you wear? You have many options and in a certain way each will show your individual respect for this great loss.
- So um… Hey baby, what are you wearing?
- Your Sunday Best
- Business-Casual
- Sporting Gear
- Scantily Clad (Pimp, Ho or Fetish-wear)
- Nude
- None of my business.
Every time you’ve stopped having sex, whether by choice or circumstance, you should hold a funeral until you figure out a way to bring it back to life. Mourning the loss of a loved one is an important, necessary way to accept the truth and get on with your life.
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Think Sausage: Visualize Happiness
Dec 18th
When things go horribly wrong, it’s hard to stop the emotions from growing wild and going feral. Plus, how do we stop our runaway train quickly enough to prevent a personal train wreck? There’s a myth that most suicides occur during the holidays. It’s been proven a false statistic, but I die a little every year as Thanksgiving approaches, right up until Happy New Years. I doubt I’m alone in this. As these habitual holidays crowd our social calendar it’s easy to get sucked into a sticky cycle of family-and-friend drama. Some people grow sad, many get flippantly defiant and others pull the psycho trigger.
Back in the day when I was trying to make a decent living, way before I found out I could make an indecent living in social media, I was a waitress at a pancake joint. The entire staff wore this big button on their chests. It’s yellow because that supposedly makes people happy. It’s suggestive because people like sex. And it’s telling you to “think” which is often good advice. But this button goes a step further, telling you specifically what to think, “think sausage.” Sausage tastes good for breakfast. This is smart, happy, meaty marketing. The best part is that when you allow yourself to “think sausage” all the other thoughts disappear and your brain becomes one big delicious grease roll. There is nothing new regarding “think different” but thinking differently with reverse psychology, not limiting ourselves to sausage, is definitely worth a try and try again. If we apply this philosophy whenever things go horribly wrong, maybe the wrongs will become less wronger. For example, try out the visualization techniques below:
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When Good Friends Go Bad
You’ve been through thick and thin with some of your friends. You feel you can trust them with secrets and share your life but occasionally the bond goes awry. Sometimes they wind up ‘mistakenly’ revealing that you lied on your resume, or ‘unexpectedly’ let on about the boob job and some ‘accidentally’ sleeping with your mate. But friends are friends and without them we’d all be friendless. Everyone makes mistakes, including you, so perhaps you’ll get through this. Take time to calm down and summon something warm and happy and cute, something reminding you of the cuddly days when the friendship began. When friendship gets ugly –> Visualize Puppy. THINK PUPPY.
Cubicle Constipation
Your coworker disgusts you. This person is so dumb, or so lazy, or so arrogant, or so sumthin’ sumthin’ it’s hard to believe they’re even employed! They suck so bad, their presence causes a shit cloud to form and storm on your every Monday through Friday. What to do? If you can’t get this person fired then you have to quit and re-experience a new albatross at the next job or… lump it. Pudding is lumpy, pudding is sweet and amorphous and relatively harmless. Your coworker is too, if you don’t fixate on how they ruin your day –>So Visualize Pudding. THINK PUDDING.
Someone Pissed In Your Gene Pool
Does your family have you boxed into a corner? No matter how much you’ve changed, how well your career is going, regardless of how much your life has progressed, they still imagine you as the little kid who got a boo boo on your knee, then cried. Unfortunately there’s nothing that can erase, even temporarily, the misery and stereotyping that our family gifts upon us. The best we can do is replace it with something worse to help us realize our family isn’t really all that bad. –> So Visualize Manson. THINK MANSON.
Your Love Life Wears Socks With Sandals
It’s all going great, until it’s not. What the hell is he/she talking about and why isn’t he/she giving you what you need to feel loved? I mean c’mon, you’re doing your part of the romance, but they just aren’t. Or is it you who’s backsliding? Somebody is screwing it all up and because of that there has been no screwing. The only real alternative to this dilemma is “conversation” The two of you opening up and getting to the heart of the matter, agreeing to make it better, or that you both should move on. But that’s emotional gymnastics. Not everybody is so limber. For now hanky-panky may be just the instant gratification you both need. Skip the psychobabble, ease into a hotter brain frame. –> So Visualize Sex. THINK SEX.
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Changing the rapid cycling of bad thoughts can be cured by practicing these techniques of “replacement therapy”. Yes? No? How do you feel about the holidays? Will you try this innovative idea? Tell me a situation that irks you and what visual you might use to get over the bad thoughts.
NOTE: Thinking sex can be used in place of any previous visualization suggestions if you’re in a rush.
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Spread the word!
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Riding Thigh Machine: In The Situation Room
Nov 29th
At the gym, I like to gaze upon the other sweaty people and watch as they grunt.
I enjoy deciding if their exertion looks more like toilet-face or an in progress big O.
It’s better than watching Wolf Blitzer babble out BS on CNN, in his “The Situation Room.”
My health club never has anything good on TV.
It’s always Wolf and for some reason Wolf is always on at all hours.
I don’t think he sleeps. He hasn’t given us any news in years so it’s time he take a nap.
On the speakers my gym plays a narrow variety of tunage.
And no matter how hard I try to avoid it, when I land on the thigh machine, Frankie Goes To Hollywood is often crooning about “when you want to come…”
That doesn’t help keep the bone daddies at bay. I do my ogling at strangers on the down low. They sure don’t.
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By the time I straddle the thigh machine, ready to ride, I’m sweaty and near collapse. Seeing the guys across from me getting lusty, watching my face strain as it glistens, my thighs rhythmically open and close to the techno beat of Frankie… this attention is last on my need of wants list.
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It’s not only me who gets this thigh machine pick-up. Nearly every woman scores the offering. I keep a wide scan on the action, watch closely, keeping dirty tabs on these health nuts as
I run in place or elliptically engage on the cardio machines. Sure, yes, I sneakily watch closely the horn doggy ways. I pay attention just as hard as I ignore Wolf Blitzer.
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I sometimes feel I can smell the scent of these men forcing their burst of pheromones into the air.
But again, all my lascivious viewing and sniffing is top secret.
The worst part of this entire situation is that I often wind up dehydratedly dazed, confused and end up leaving the gym thinking I just banged Blitzer. Hell, maybe I did.
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P.S. Don’t ask about my above self portrait. It involves a chair, but otherwise I have no idea what I’m doing. Do you? And are you a gym user? If so what machine is your poison? And by chance do you have ungodly thoughts about your fellow workout companions? If you don’t exercise, do you drink low calorie beer? Do you crush on Wolf Blitzer?
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How To Cook Corn, Chick Style
Nov 9th
As Thanksgiving approaches this information may come in handy…
First you have to dehusk the corn. To ease the boredom of undressing corn, you might want to imagine that you’re stripping off your clothes or somebody else’s. Depending on how much corn you have to shuck, you could also think of group sex and how hot that might be. But then you have to decide the rules… For instance would you want male on male action too or prefer just a hetero kind of thing. Maybe girl on girl would be cool. Focus, really decide how you’d like it to go down. I’ve seen men kiss, no big deal… I don’t know if I want full blown group action or not though. OMG, how many people will be there? Everyone should wear protection because that’s probably extremely important, but maybe not necessary to consider right now since you’re only fantasizing about it.
After the corn is good to go…
Fill a large pot halfway with COLD water. (There should be enough water in the pot so when you add the corn, it is covered but not overflowing.)
Bring the pot of water to a boil.
I have no idea how long it takes a pot of cold water to boil. In the meantime get on the computer and try catching up with your emails. Corn is yellow and yellow is a happy color. If you have emails discussing sad sack or boring relationship stuff, skip that. Jesus Christ, they should get a life, right? Only reply to the people who wrote fun stuff.
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Getting Your Off, On
Nov 4th
This piece was specifically written as a guest blog for a Dating Site back in September 2009, but never posted.
I want to talk about “not” faking it. Let’s talk about “getting off.”
Allow me to define terms before I dive into the thick of it. What is “getting off”?
. Read the rest of this entry »
