If you have a Twitter account and value your health I advise you read this closely.
If you don’t have a Twitter account, read it from far away. But please read it, this could save your life.

For decades, there’s been a dietary war that pits The Unhealthy vs. The Healthy. In America, citizens get fatter every year. This happens elsewhere too, but since I’m an American it’s my patriotic duty to not care about “elsewhere.”

If you’re on Twitter you can’t help but see food-oriented tweets pass through your stream.
Oftentimes, the only thing a person has to say that day revolves around their wish to eat a burrito. Or mad desire to drain a keg. Wishes and desires are one thing, but when the person takes action to consume these fatty substances, danger sets in. A staggering percentage of tweeters eat from a toxic menu. Have you ever seen anyone tweeting about a delicious carrot or the joy of drinking cold, calcium-enriched milk? Doubt it.
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The most alarming part of this decrepit dietary data is that even Big Time Twitter users, the Twitter Elite, so to speak, have questionable palates. Perhaps they’re the worst culprits, considering their tweets stretch far and wide, thus influencing eaters across the globe. Here are a crazy eight who consistently forage in the top portion of the food pyramid …
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Calvin Lee (@Mayhemstudios) Successful designer, all around sweetheart, avid tweeter and number one on the chow-hound list, Calvin is affectionately known as a Cheeseburger Crime Lord. Frankly, any cheese, of any kind… any cheese on anything, is his weakness. Melted yummy cheese, cheese, cheese. He’s not a drinker but restaurant-oriented tweets of his foursquare.com locations bear witness to a food trail spanning many miles.
[Clogged Artery Rating: 10]
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Shelly Kramer (@ShellyKramer) This marketing strategist, takes no prisoners, tells it like it is, holding court like nobody’s business. And she isn’t shy about her food and alcohol adoration. Shelly goes so far as to list Milk Duds and beer in her bio, right up there with her professional accolades. Hold on, the buck doesn’t stop there, her tweets are saturated in fearless vodka shots and overflowing goblets of wine. Hot pie is her frequent nightcap. [Clogged Artery Rating: 9]
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Susan Elaine (@BuzzEdition) A staple of Twitter, Susan wields her magic social media strategist wand garnering a bevy of followers to her flock for a feast of informative and entertaining links. However, when you least expect it she’ll surge forth a sugary trail of tweetage featuring candies, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and pumpkin pie, all of which are washed down by Long Island Ice Teas.
[Clogged Artery Rating: 8.7]
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Krystyn Chong (@krystynchong) A geek, gamer and a great source for Blip.fm music. Her emoticons are infectious, it’s no wonder she’s got a hankering for smile pie and wow, she sure does dish it out. She loves the pie. She is the pie. The apple pie. Once drunk on sugar, Krys gets even more tweet tipsy — guzzling fancy vodka and expensive tequila. Dayum girl!
[Clogged Artery Rating: 7]
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Arjun Basu (@ArjunBasu) is a much-favorited big shot on favstar.fm. This heavily followed writer laces his 140-character fiction with a steady stream of alcohol-drinking drunkards. Very colorful tales are told, but it’s no wonder many of his characters experience damaged relationships. Occasionally some of Arjun’s protagonists suffer spontaneous flatulence as well, but I’m unsure if that’s booze induced.
[Clogged Artery Rating: 6]
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Reg Saddler (@zaibatsu) A social media enterprise maven, and steady tweeter, he pumps out acres of solid content. You’d think someone so prolific would get awfully hungry. Oddly enough, Reg’s tweet menu items are few and far between, but when the edibles do surface, bet your ass it’s 1000 calorie pie, grease burgers, strong wine and refrigerated beer.
[Clogged Artery Rating: 5]
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Danny Brown (@DannyBrown) This busy fella is creator of the charity 12For12K and a steadfast social media strategist who lets his hair down after 9 p.m. EST. If you start to see a river of typos, get the life raft, there’s either a beer or white wine tweetage involved. Getting sloshed is mostly a weekend event for Danny, unless he’s learned how to hide it well during the week. He’s Scottish. Scots can drink you under the table… and leave you with the bill. Or so I’ve heard. [Clogged Artery Rating: 3.5]
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Don’t get me wrong, these top tweeters can also enlighten you to awesome links and the latest breaking news, but be warned, follow these people and your waistline may expand as your cholesterol rises and your alcohol level slides deep into the DUI range. #JustSayin.

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Eye on the pie:
The pie preferences of tweeters as witnessed above, are shocking. When broken down by gender, Twitter pie loving comes out to 1% men and 99% women. Due to the mind-boggling gender bias of these findings, I’ve made a chart for anyone not familiar with statistics, look to the right.
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Speaking of pie, a few top users tweet with trousers down, wooing the 140, cruising a coital path to seek their sustenance…

Jason X (@TheUserPool) is often rated x but please add two more for a triple: XXX. Jason’s staple of choice is p*ssy. Yes, p*ssy. And I don’t mean he eats cats. Although many men (and women) may find this an awesome way to dine out, trust me, the potential dangers to your health are astronomical. Although it might be a diet worth looking into… more closely. [Clogged Artery Rating: 0]

Listen folks I’m not your mama or the foodie mafia here, but I hope what you’ve read above helps raise awareness about the severity of this issue. If this blog helps even one person to tweet out a salad once in awhile I’ve done my job.

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And you? What ya’ been eatin’.
How do you feel about food tweets? Do food tweets make you hungry? If so, do you act on that hunger?
All commenters win a free slice of my virtual pie.

-Follow me on Twitter @CTK1