The Death of Sex

by Ct Kingston · View Comments

Nearly all deaths are sad and shocking, making us cry out, “Why? Why did this happen? It’s so unfair!” Unfair indeed, although it’s a fact of life, nothing can live forever. Especially Sex. If you attended Sex’s funeral, what would you wear? You have many options and in a certain way each will show your individual respect for this great loss.

Christina_Kingston_tDoS

    So um… Hey baby, what are you wearing?

  • Your Sunday Best
  • Business-Casual
  • Sporting Gear
  • Scantily Clad (Pimp, Ho or Fetish-wear)
  • Nude
  • None of my business.

Every time you’ve stopped having sex, whether by choice or circumstance, you should hold a funeral until you figure out a way to bring it back to life. Mourning the loss of a loved one is an important, necessary way to accept the truth and get on with your life.

Sex has been around forever, meanwhile it has also died a million deaths, buried but miraculously clawing its way out of the box, coming back to life throughout the ages. Ancient Egyptian scrolls as well as modern day tomes have been written on how to resuscitate Sex. Hell yeah, maybe you’ve bought one or two of these books (or you’re a cheap person who refuses to support writers and instead prefer Google).
Christina_Kingston_Mourning
Humans’ days are numbered due to global warming and worldwide stupidity. Scientists claim cockroaches will eventually rule the earth, but the only way they can do it is by having sex.
Have you ever seen a cockroach have sex?
Just before it’s crushed beneath your shoe, that’s indeed what it was doing, getting busy, making love. The only reason it invades your pantry is to build strength for more sex. In a way we may hate roaches for that very reason.
They get free room and board, are unencumbered by any dogma, rules or tradition. Add insult to injury, they also do-the-sex way more than we humans could ever imagine. And as said, they’ll rule the earth. Instead of squashing Romeo Roach under a sneaker, shake one of its hands.
.
.
Perhaps you’re having sex these days. Maybe Sex is alive, and kicking (if you’re into that sort of thing.) Regardless, there will come… there will come a day, a dark, dry day when Sex is laid to rest. Get ready for that day. As the Boy Scouts say, “Be prepared.” Which is much better than what Girl Scouts are forced to say, “Wanna buy some expensive fattening cookies?” But I veer… get your funeral clothes ready, prepare your tearful speech… Also be in shape, hairdo intact, emotional state in order for the day Sex returns. It’ll return.
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Tagged as: cockroach, Death, Funeral, Resurrection, sex

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  • if sex died, then death would probably die as well. what with the whole eros-thanatos thing, you know. so I would come out of the emo closet and go for an all out nasty goth emo slash horror freakazoid look, milky contact lenses and all, because after all, it would be my last opportunity.
  • Oh No, the dreaded Emo closet. I've heard rumblings about it existing and now you prove it's "out there" and it's a dark place full of name brand shoes and fallen follicles from 100$ haircuts. Oh no! Right on man.
    There will be no death for you... and no death of death. As I think I may have said above, Keep Hope Alive!
  • sethstaver
    For the record this is the first blog site I've ever commented.
  • I'm honored, thank you Seth. If you have a Twitter account let me know and I'll be sure to harass you :)
  • sethstaver
    I spent over an hour reading every blog. Very unique creative funniest articles I've read in a long time. I don't normally leave comments but I see you respond and I read those too. All I can say after all of this is wow.
  • I'm troubled by how much time you've spent and I hope you don't send me an invoice. I'm broke!
    Seriously thanks, thanks seriously. That's super kind of you. Stop by anytime!
  • Now...that's one funeral I refuse to attend! Maybe it's because I don't like funerals? Nah. While sex may have gone into defib mode during 22 years with the same man and the birth of three demons, er, I mean loves of my life, I can happily say it doesn't take much more than a smile to get the paddles charged.
  • Sueanne, you're a bad ass! I'm digging your moxy. I don't like funerals either, we bond on that one for sure. I applaud you for keeping the love alive so long, it's wonderful. A lot of hard work but hard work that pays off in a way that's priceless. The smile. The smile is gold. Heavy in a good way, shiny in way that beats out the sun!
    Thanks love.
  • ninibaseema
    Hey, I could sum this blog thingy up in just one sentence, wanna hear it?

    "Sex is dead, long live the sex!"

    HA, brilliant!
    ;)

    But - on a more serious side note.
    One of the most tricky and yet spectacular endeavours ever is to not let it die in long term relationships.
    It works fine for a while but then there is the threshold of "daily grind", "too much of the unsexy kind of intimacy" and the fact that it' s no longer "new" between people (you got to see the non so chocolaty parts of the other and realized that there is not only sexyness but lots of stuff that doesnt turn you on AT ALL!)

    BUT: I am an optimist. It's possible to keep things rocking in the bedroom - it's not the same as the "freakingly being crazy about each other times" in the beginning - but still the "I just know what's good for us and let's play a bit tonight" ;-) and thats really not a bad place at all ;-)))
  • You always leave terrific comments, thank you Nini.
    The long term relationship is very tricky indeed, on all fronts. I applaud anyone attempting such a feat.
    There isn't anything wrong with Sex taking a holiday if all the other engines are Vrooooming along. The hand holding, walks and talks and comfortable silence. In a way that may very well be the best sex around.
    And one of the biggest reasons I even have an interest in that "long term" thing.

    I dig your optimism on preventing the premature death of Sex. Here! Here! Come again, Nini.
  • Leather. Black for rebirth. Red for funeral - if sex has audacity to die on me then I hope it goes straight to hell! Oh, and tap-dancing shoes.
  • Leather... aha. You can tap dance on its grave. Good on you karen.
  • janetvanderhoof
    I like this. On a serious note, when married it does come and go as time goes by. But it is our duty to keep it alive no matter what. What really keeps it alive is love and the foreplay of hugging, cuddling, kissing or whatever your currency is, it may be having your husband empty the dishwasher. Sex may die, but it is always ressurected in a newer and better form. I hope I don't have to think about what I am going to wear.
  • Janet, the serious note is a good one. The duty is there and you're so right, it's our duty indeed.
    I agree that it dies but can be resurrected if we take action to give it mouth-to-mouth when that time comes.
    However it would be best to keep it from flat-lining in the first place, although that's not always in our power to do. Thanks hon.
  • Q: What would you wear to Sex’s funeral? Be as detailed as you want to.
    A: Well, I'd obviously wear something that might get me in a position to resurrect the sex.

    Q: Are you currently in mourning? Or experiencing a rebirth?
    A: Rebirth of a new mourning, yes.

    Q: Any advice on how to revive Sex once it flat lines?
    A: To get over someone, you have to get under someone else.

    Q: Have you ever used a defibrillator on Sex?
    A: On it, no. During, yes.

    This was another post that I would never imagine myself reading or even giving thought to. Thank you for opening my eyes to a completely new view of how to be fashionably lay-able.

    You write gooder than most. I like that.
  • Khayyam, great answers man.
    I hope you wear a hat to the resurrection.
    Rebirth of a new mourning sounds gloomy... Waking up to new Exwives are you?
    True about getting over and under.
    What color is your defibrillator. Is it sparkly?
    You've always been "fashionably lay-able" -you're in good standing, so lay down.
    Thanks for stopping by and gifting word.
  • I'll respond to this one twice. Here's the first one...
  • What an awesome blog entry! Love it! I guess I'd wear my Sunday Best, which is a pair of jeans and a nice, cool t-shirt, with a flawless makeup and flowy hair of course. I still want to look sexy and pretty much alive when I laying in my coffin, girl! You Rock, Tina! : )
  • I'm smitten with your Sunday best attire! My kind of woman! You're the one who rocks Sunny, you're stealing that award every year. Keep dropping word so I feel all mushy inside!
  • Yes, I mourned when I got married. Not sure if it was the marriage or the death of sex that caused the mourning, but that was the last time I mourned it. I wore a t-shirt and sweat pants and ate a lot of chips. Now I have as much sex as I can with as many people as I can for fear it might dry up again. So far so good...
  • I'd love to see your version of this subject. As a matter of fact I'd love to see you in my blogroll. I'll get on that and ride it soon. I don't think I knew you were previously married... I did know you turned feral at some point. I keep a tranquiler gun handy for the day I finally meet your raunchy ass (and all the rest of you.)
  • Question (1) I'd wear hello kitty knee high socks w/the toes and a light pink, baby doll nightie to Sex's funeral. (2) No comment :) (3) get hello kitty knee high socks w/toes. (4) um, no but a close cousin - the vibrator. KIDDING. I'm too goodie goodie for your questions, Tina. ;p *like a virgin...
  • I imagine no less than Hello Kitty. Plus your iPhone to document it all via the mirror. *kiss* I have a feeling you have never been to Sex's funeral. Regardless of your 'goodie goodie' claims, it'd probably never die on you ;) Hello Krys.
  • I'm wearing a bow tie. But not around my neck if you know what I mean.
  • Something sexy this way comes...
  • Wow, interesting topic! You certainly are creative and very funny. Your post made me laugh, so glad I RTed it from @DannyBrown.

    But I don't think sex ever really dies ... if it did, we wouldn't continue to have a population, now would we? :)
  • Always a pleasure to see a new face. Greetings Sasha and thank you.
    Sex dies, but not entirely... it seems to have an endless stream of revival.
    Or so I hope.
  • Vonia
    I think I would wear a head to toe adult Pajama with footies. Although this outfit would more likely be the cause of death. I have considered purchasing such a pajama from target because it has a very adorable pattern of sock monkeys on it, but I enjoy my sex life to much to kill it by wearing such childish nightwear. I do visit said pajamas from time to time as I thoroughly enjoy monkeys of the sock variety. I will be glad for the hot days of Summer so that I will no longer be tempted by these insanely cute but sex killing jammies. Until then I will steadfastly refuse to put them in my cart.

    Sex does die but is constantly being reborn through fire like the Phoenix, each time becoming better than it's former self. That being said; maybe it would be wise to by the sock monkey jammies to see how the Phoenix is reborn. Hmmmmm..... I always seem to convince myself to buy something while commenting on your blog posts Tina.
  • Ahhh Vonia, the footie pajamas are giving me a good, warm, cuddly chuckle. I feel you on the comfies. You could always tell hubby that beneath those insanely cute monkey feet jammies you are 100% raw, naked ...all woman-wifey! When I get married I'll test it out for you, but I think it's best you don't wait around for that!

    Buy the way, you can start billing me for your purchases...
  • I have been to more funerals than I care to recall. It doesn't seem to matter what I wear.
    To resuscitate sex, one simply needs a sharp dagger and a few moments of swift action, in a ritual sacrifice of the relationship. Then, for a while, after you have washed off the blood, it doesn't matter what you wear. Stop eating. Write the book. Then, when the book is almost finished and the dark circles of famine and exhaustion are black beneath your eyes, go outside. Find a coffee shop and read a few verses from Anais Nin. If that doesn't work, begin reading aloud. I believe this ritual is Egyptian in its origins: Osiris, Isis and Apophis, in an eternal three-some of passion, death and resuscitation.
  • Wowzers, great stuff, David.
    "To resuscitate sex, one simply needs a sharp dagger and a few moments of swift action, in a ritual sacrifice of the relationship."

    Take no prisoners, eh? I love your comments. Any chance you can stop by all the older posts and drop this kind of awesome? Okay, okay, I'll stop begging. Invite me to the next funeral.
  • You write the most interesting blog entries! I guess I'd wear a black
    bikini and oversized sunglasses because it's funeral after all. I'm
    not currently in mourning but rebirth sex sounds awesome. I think a
    magic wand and handcuffs would help revive sex and if not, you could
    always try something kinky. I don't know how to use a defibrillator
    and I wouldn't know where on sex to slam the paddles and say, "clear!"
  • A black bikini would revive any corpse!

    "I don't know how to use a defibrillator
    and I wouldn't know where on sex to slam the paddles and say, "clear!"

    ;-)))
  • The life and death of sex is one thing, but the type or quality of the sex is also of importance. Some types of sex should die, and others should live. And I wonder whether the cockroach enjoys sex or just is mindlessly forced into it by biological triggers!
  • Good points Roger.
    Ah, but the type of Sex that should live seems to wind up in the morgue, cold on the slab more often than the other kind. Or am I watching too much CSI? I don't know if the cockroaches have deep emotional connections but I do know they can live up to a week without head. I mean without their heads. Kind of creepy, but also another reason they will rule the earth.
  • So I did a Google Anagram search for "the death of sex", and these are some of the things that came back:

    * Sheathed Ex Oft - yep, fits in with the death of sex. Continuing to sheath your ex often isn't going to buy you brownie points with your current beau.

    * Shafted Hex Toe - I can only imagine this is 100 times worse than a camel toe, so yep, that would be pretty off-putting.

    * Shafted Thee Ox - animal sex now? Hmmm... does this count as the death of sex or the birth of bovine STD's?

    * Death Sheet Fox - well, the message here seems pretty clear (though you do look foxy, Ms. K.

    * Shat Foxed Thee - there's nothing worse than being foxed by Shat, so definitely a mood killer.

    * A Sexed Theft Ho - conclusive proof, the death of sex is here and wider spread than we thought.

    I'll be in the bargain basement picking up the leftovers ;-)
  • Danny Brown! Who else would do a dastardly anagram search other than Danny Brown?!
    Absolutely hilarious. Also a bit frightening... A palm reader predicted all of this years ago.
    I didn't believe her because she wore her toupee backwards, but now here it is and it's real.
    Thanks for the belly full of mirth! Danny Brown!
  • lol, that's too funny
  • Danny is a hoot. And a Scot.
  • henie
    I shall wear absolutely NOTHING! :~)
  • MsG
    Youth must be on my side right now and I hope the batch doesn't stop leading its existence. Thus far, ES-EE-EX has been a continuous bass line in the 15 yrs I 've been with dude (ahh so endearing). If the attire would ever be called for (re: the funeral) an assortment of toys and the most fierce stilettos to remind the sucker what was. There have been near death situations all caused by disagreements, but the best form of agreement is sex...perhaps it was the comforting crutch during the most down times in our relationship but hey....satisfaction came to play. Yeah yeah yeah we hear "to keep your relationship solid we must COMMUNICATE" and by golly this Ms is physically. There's not talking back in that.
    So the day that I reach the pinnacle of the day I hope not to ever see....I will revisit and rewrite my comment!
  • "15 years with Dude" has a nice ring to it. Did he put a ring on it? Them stilettos are dreamy.
    No comment rewriting! Keep hope and Sex alive!
  • I'll wear my best. And then someone's going to be tempted to take it all off. Then sex will rise from the ashes. The Rebirth of Sex shall be glorious.
  • Woo hoo, sounds steamy! Amen and Hallelujah ... your time has come Rey-Rey :-)
  • Nsedef
    After my former "no comment" disappeared...clearly needs better articulation. Let's just say revival comes in the most unexpected and unusual ways.
  • "revival comes in the most unexpected and unusual ways."
    Nice one!
  • Ludovicah
    Yeah RIP sex life. passed away April 2002 You are greatly missed.....
  • *grin* and also *sad face* Okay hon, it's time to shake things up!
    Are you shaking yet? C'mon, quit standing there, dammit, start shaking... shake it, shake it up!
  • Ludovicah
    I think it's probably a little too late for that
  • Never toooooo late!
  • Wearing a smile to the funeral, beating the bishop.
    Always in mourning, polishing the helmet before fantasising about the next ride.
    After a flat-liner well, what's one of those? Does a roofie help?
    I can't even pronounce defibrillator without tripping over my tongue. I use my tongue when eating out, does that count?
  • Nice prose, mate. I like it. Throw a roofie in the coffin(s), but it may erode the wood.
  • jeannevb
    Perhaps we should discuss how to keep this urban myth called Sex ALIVE! When one is married, Sex dies a lot. Over and over and over. But if you're lucky, you resurrect it... over and over and over. Wear tears to its funeral and nothing to its rebirth. Ring in the new sex to outdo the dead sex. May Sex live on in more than just those damned lucky cockroaches.
  • It's an urban myth is it now, oy.Great comment Jeanne, thank you. I wonder if roaches ever marry? Nah, they're too smart. Another reason why they'll rule the earth I guess. Filthy bastards.
  • What will i wear? I guess it depend, am I looking into a re-birth Also, who are the attendee at this affair? Can we turn it into an affair?
  • Heh heh... It's up to you who and how many will be there... start with a party of one to keep it simple.
  • henie
    I shall wear absolutely NOTHING! :~)
  • Ah yes, but of course!
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