Top 5 People Who Need To Shut Up
Mar 5th
We all wear numerous hats throughout our lives, and whether we’re momentarily disguised as a patient, client, passenger, customer or even a pedestrian, we’ve encountered verbal flatulence delivered by a butthead who refuses to be quiet. And when you’re paying for a service, sometimes the free banter can ruin your day. Maybe in the future, companies will institute the silent treatment as a corporate rule, but until then…
Here are a horrible handful of overly talkative offenders:
1.) The Dentist
A person who knows better than we do how much we fear this appointment and how fast we want to escape. Whilst we sit trapped, strapped in a chair, drooling, spittle dribbling down our chins, we are not up for conversation. It’s absurd to get probed with, “So there, patient X, what have you been up to?” How can any Dentist think asking a slew of pointless questions, while jackhammering our rotty teeth, is a good idea? It’s not. Shut Your Pie Hole!
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2.) The Masseuse
Of all the ways to flee our hectic lives, a massage ranks high.
We schedule an appointment to wipe away the tensions and take the weight off our shoulders. This procedure requires a soothing atmosphere and most of all, silence. A massuese’s petty prattling can be so stressful it entirely defeats the purpose of our visit. Zip it!
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3.) The Airplane Passenger
Seriously, is this dumb ass still going on about his/her boring plight on the planet? You’re stuck in an airplane, no escape, squeezed next to an idiot who needs to get a life, one that doesn’t include you. You’re not his/her temporary best friend. You want peace. If you wanted strained conversation you’d call your family. STFU!
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4.) The Waiter
When you think of restaurants, naturally you think food. Rarely do we trek out for a meal with the hopes of catching up on our waiter’s last audition for that Viagra commercial. It’s fine for them to rattle off the specials and take our order, sure, but after that get the hell away! Scram bucko! And please stop lurking in the background waiting to drop the check, greedy for the gratuity, especially after the gratuitous gobbledegook that put us off our meal. Shove A Cork In It!
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5.) The Crazy Drunk Homeless Man
We feel bad for the homeless. Many of us wish there was a solution to this problem. No one in such a prosperous country should have to live on the street. There are those who ask for a little change or if we can buy them a meal. That’s one thing and each of us deals with it in our own compassionate way. Enter the intoxicated, psycho-ward escapee, standing on the curb, shouting various incoherencies at us, desperately needing a lesson in “keep to yourself.” Tell it to the hand!
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***Please express your thoughts in the comment section below***
Who else should shove a sock in it? Have you ever been verbally detained by one of the people above?
How did you handle it? If there was a Pipe Down Award (STFU) given to the most annoyingly
talkative person in any medium, who should win?
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Have Social Media & Social Networking Broken Up?
Mar 1st
Social Media dumped Social Networking! Like many relationships, the jilted party never saw it coming. Which prompts the question, What kind of person has Social Media become?
From what I’m gathering of late, it remains the broadcaster, but has become the overly serious type, loudest in the room, and the most eager to embrace the latest tragedy. Seemingly, so it can be the first to explain why it, Social Media, was instrumental in the cure. And perhaps it was. Was it?
I’m not singling out any individual; I’m discussing thousands as one, that one is named Social Media. I don’t mean to harsh on SM’s mellow, but from where I stand, it appears SM often falls, failing to truly engage the community — by talking at us instead of with us.
Has Social Media become a perpetual navel gazer?
It chatters incessantly about itself and how it works and how to make itself work more by working more to talk about itself and exactly how it could be working even more to talk about itself… And how!
Read the rest of this entry »
Ask Google How To Be a Vampire Ninja
Feb 24th
Awhile back, the anti-social philosopher and overall smarty-pants Jean-Paul Sartre seemed to imply that “being is nothingness.” In his own colorful, existential way, he gifted us with hundreds of pages, using thousands of 17-syllable words in order to alert the masses how it’s important we create our own being-ness. He suggested we exercise our Free Will to make choices, lest we end up floundering in nothingness. Sartre was not around to experience Google, for if he had been, he would have realized that the majority of the population is not only “being” but they’re also trying “to be” better, while constantly searching for help to make it happen.
The specific 3 words of “How to be?” are rarely asked by us, unless certain words follow… Everyone imagines they already know how to be simply because they are and the is of them being began at birth… or so they think. This plays into René Descartes’ people-friendly quote: “I think, therefore I am.”
Let me trampoline off that thought and get to The Top 10 Things (as per Google search) we, the people, would like to be. The graphic below explains:
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In general, being a: Happy, funny, anorexic model Vampire who can kiss real nice, be a good girlfriend and maintain the law while beating counterfeit island on poptropica, is what the English speaking majority of the population strives “to be.” But let’s search again, this time leave the cursor beside the word “be” and we find a different list of needs:
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The Vampire has been replaced by a Ninja. But the list of demands is almost identical.
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People want to be: A cool, popular, emo Ninja. The Ninja should be an anorexic good kisser with a sense of humor and become a good boyfriend or girlfriend as long as they’re happy.
That’s all well and good, but what the hell do I want to be? And you? What do YOU want TO BE? Don’t think on it, the answer is clear:
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***Please express your thoughts in the comment section below***
How do you know YOU exist? Would you rather be a vampire or a ninja? Why? If funnster Jean-Paul Sartre had titled his book ‘Being and Nothingness’ as “Being a Vampire-Ninja and Nothingness” instead, would you be more interested in philosophy? BTW, what IS your philosophy?
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Step Into The Twitter Time Machine
Feb 14th
I had a thought today — yes sometimes it accidentally happens. That thought was about Twitter. What would I have tweeted if Twitter was around well before 2006, up and running by the time I learned to walk and talk and ask “Why? Why? Why?” Asked over and over because that is what kids do, as soon as they learn it’s a powerful question forcing their parents into speaking to them. #Cool
All right, so, my noggin’ was havin’ all kinda thoughts about my own personal Twitter Time Machine. There have already been a bevy of articles written re: “What if Twitter had been around [fill in the blank]. But all I’ve ever seen of these pieces focuses on a historical/ famous figure’s possible tweet out. Sure, Mark Twain was awesome, but c’mon, I’m way more interested in what you would have said, back in the day.
Read the rest of this entry »
Is Your Twitter Diet Killing You?
Feb 8th
If you have a Twitter account and value your health I advise you read this closely.
If you don’t have a Twitter account, read it from far away. But please read it, this could save your life.
For decades, there’s been a dietary war that pits The Unhealthy vs. The Healthy. In America, citizens get fatter every year. This happens elsewhere too, but since I’m an American it’s my patriotic duty to not care about “elsewhere.”
If you’re on Twitter you can’t help but see food-oriented tweets pass through your stream.
Oftentimes, the only thing a person has to say that day revolves around their wish to eat a burrito. Or mad desire to drain a keg. Wishes and desires are one thing, but when the person takes action to consume these fatty substances, danger sets in. A staggering percentage of tweeters eat from a toxic menu. Have you ever seen anyone tweeting about a delicious carrot or the joy of drinking cold, calcium-enriched milk? Doubt it.
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The most alarming part of this decrepit dietary data is that even Big Time Twitter users, the Twitter Elite, so to speak, have questionable palates. Perhaps they’re the worst culprits, considering their tweets stretch far and wide, thus influencing eaters across the globe. Here are a crazy eight who consistently forage in the top portion of the food pyramid …
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Calvin Lee
(@Mayhemstudios) Successful designer, all around sweetheart, avid tweeter and number one on the chow-hound list, Calvin is affectionately known as a Cheeseburger Crime Lord. Frankly, any cheese, of any kind… any cheese on anything, is his weakness. Melted yummy cheese, cheese, cheese. He’s not a drinker but restaurant-oriented tweets of his foursquare.com locations bear witness to a food trail spanning many miles.[Clogged Artery Rating: 10]
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Shelly Kramer
(@ShellyKramer) This marketing strategist, takes no prisoners, tells it like it is, holding court like nobody’s business. And she isn’t shy about her food and alcohol adoration. Shelly goes so far as to list Milk Duds and beer in her bio, right up there with her professional accolades. Hold on, the buck doesn’t stop there, her tweets are saturated in fearless vodka shots and overflowing goblets of wine. Hot pie is her frequent nightcap. [Clogged Artery Rating: 9].
Susan Elaine
(@BuzzEdition) A staple of Twitter, Susan wields her magic social media strategist wand garnering a bevy of followers to her flock for a feast of informative and entertaining links. However, when you least expect it she’ll surge forth a sugary trail of tweetage featuring candies, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and pumpkin pie, all of which are washed down by Long Island Ice Teas.[Clogged Artery Rating: 8.7]
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Krystyn Chong
(@krystynchong) A geek, gamer and a great source for Blip.fm music. Her emoticons are infectious, it’s no wonder she’s got a hankering for smile pie and wow, she sure does dish it out. She loves the pie. She is the pie. The apple pie. Once drunk on sugar, Krys gets even more tweet tipsy — guzzling fancy vodka and expensive tequila. Dayum girl![Clogged Artery Rating: 7]
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Arjun Basu
(@ArjunBasu) is a much-favorited big shot on favstar.fm. This heavily followed writer laces his 140-character fiction with a steady stream of alcohol-drinking drunkards. Very colorful tales are told, but it’s no wonder many of his characters experience damaged relationships. Occasionally some of Arjun’s protagonists suffer spontaneous flatulence as well, but I’m unsure if that’s booze induced.[Clogged Artery Rating: 6]
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Reg Saddler
(@zaibatsu) A social media enterprise maven, and steady tweeter, he pumps out acres of solid content. You’d think someone so prolific would get awfully hungry. Oddly enough, Reg’s tweet menu items are few and far between, but when the edibles do surface, bet your ass it’s 1000 calorie pie, grease burgers, strong wine and refrigerated beer.[Clogged Artery Rating: 5]
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Danny Brown
(@DannyBrown) This busy fella is creator of the charity 12For12K and a steadfast social media strategist who lets his hair down after 9 p.m. EST. If you start to see a river of typos, get the life raft, there’s either a beer or white wine tweetage involved. Getting sloshed is mostly a weekend event for Danny, unless he’s learned how to hide it well during the week. He’s Scottish. Scots can drink you under the table… and leave you with the bill. Or so I’ve heard. [Clogged Artery Rating: 3.5].
Don’t get me wrong, these top tweeters can also enlighten you to awesome links and the latest breaking news, but be warned, follow these people and your waistline may expand as your cholesterol rises and your alcohol level slides deep into the DUI range. #JustSayin.
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Eye on the pie:
The pie preferences of tweeters as witnessed above, are shocking. When broken down by gender, Twitter pie loving comes out to 1% men and 99% women. Due to the mind-boggling gender bias of these findings, I’ve made a chart for anyone not familiar with statistics, look to the right.
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Speaking of pie, a few top users tweet with trousers down, wooing the 140, cruising a coital path to seek their sustenance…
Jason X 
(@TheUserPool) is often rated x but please add two more for a triple: XXX. Jason’s staple of choice is p*ssy. Yes, p*ssy. And I don’t mean he eats cats. Although many men (and women) may find this an awesome way to dine out, trust me, the potential dangers to your health are astronomical. Although it might be a diet worth looking into… more closely. [Clogged Artery Rating: 0]
Listen folks I’m not your mama or the foodie mafia here, but I hope what you’ve read above helps raise awareness about the severity of this issue. If this blog helps even one person to tweet out a salad once in awhile I’ve done my job.
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And you? What ya’ been eatin’.
How do you feel about food tweets? Do food tweets make you hungry? If so, do you act on that hunger?
All commenters win a free slice of my virtual pie.
The Death of Sex
Jan 29th
Nearly all deaths are sad and shocking, making us cry out, “Why? Why did this happen? It’s so unfair!” Unfair indeed, although it’s a fact of life, nothing can live forever. Especially Sex. If you attended Sex’s funeral, what would you wear? You have many options and in a certain way each will show your individual respect for this great loss.
- So um… Hey baby, what are you wearing?
- Your Sunday Best
- Business-Casual
- Sporting Gear
- Scantily Clad (Pimp, Ho or Fetish-wear)
- Nude
- None of my business.
Every time you’ve stopped having sex, whether by choice or circumstance, you should hold a funeral until you figure out a way to bring it back to life. Mourning the loss of a loved one is an important, necessary way to accept the truth and get on with your life.
Read the rest of this entry »
Keywords: Passive Aggressive
Jan 13th
I’m angry. I’m furious. I’m fed up and don’t wanna take it anymore. Currently still taking it though, regardless of vehemence and bafflement. Over the past year I’ve been meeting people who act like they’re kind, attentive, thoughtful and in-tune with me. As soon as I open up, a little, they flip the switch. Suddenly the connection stretches until it’s so thin it could snap at any moment, or at least I could. SNAP. Next I’m left wondering if I should do the same, act a fool. And if I don’t then I’m allowing someone to jerk me around.
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If I return the tardation then I’m playing games and I don’t want to do that. I especially don’t want to be forced into it simply because I genuinely want to keep up the contact. But what to do?
I want the flower back, the blooming relationship that got me into the friendship garden in the first place. I’ve expressed this to them. But it’s like telling an alcoholic they’re drunk. They stumble out a rebuttal that slurs into a lie smelling of vodka puke. I feel it’s sorta the same with passive/aggressive people. Attempt to let them know their behavior swings like a pendulum and they claim it’s you, that you’ve got it all wrong. Some may even go the extra mile and claim you’re psychotic. “Oh God, another crazy chick full of drama.” I didn’t create the theater. They wrote, produced and directed the entire 3-act play and expect you to pay for a ticket. All the while claiming they don’t even like plays.
Meanwhile you’re simply trying to get a fair shake and hope they stop the split personality so you can still like them and one day relax without wondering when the next u-turn will take place. Hoping you’re not standing in the middle of the road when it happens.
I have to back up, I have no idea how to deal with these people. They perplex me beyond belief.
I’m a very direct, upfront person and always have been. I know what I want, what I need.
I know who I am. I know my failings and my good traits. Sometimes the bad outweighs the good and when that happens, I apologize. I haven’t a clue how I became a magnet for these passive/aggressives? The entirety of 2009 they came out of the woodwork in droves. Mostly via social networking sites but a couple of them somehow found me IRL buried in a crowd.
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Maybe I should stop bathing and stink them far away from me, but I imagine there’s a better option.
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How do you deal with these people? We’ve all met them. Please don’t say, just get away from them. That’s not “dealing” with a person, that’s just leaving. Leaving is easy… but I can’t up and leave everyone just because they’re off kilter or I’d have to leave myself as well. Tell me what you’ve done in this situation, with these Jekyll and Hyde characters. Tell me what it is these days that’s pissing YOU off… what is it? I bet it sucks as bad as passive/aggressiveness!
Think Sausage: Visualize Happiness
Dec 18th
When things go horribly wrong, it’s hard to stop the emotions from growing wild and going feral. Plus, how do we stop our runaway train quickly enough to prevent a personal train wreck? There’s a myth that most suicides occur during the holidays. It’s been proven a false statistic, but I die a little every year as Thanksgiving approaches, right up until Happy New Years. I doubt I’m alone in this. As these habitual holidays crowd our social calendar it’s easy to get sucked into a sticky cycle of family-and-friend drama. Some people grow sad, many get flippantly defiant and others pull the psycho trigger.
Back in the day when I was trying to make a decent living, way before I found out I could make an indecent living in social media, I was a waitress at a pancake joint. The entire staff wore this big button on their chests. It’s yellow because that supposedly makes people happy. It’s suggestive because people like sex. And it’s telling you to “think” which is often good advice. But this button goes a step further, telling you specifically what to think, “think sausage.” Sausage tastes good for breakfast. This is smart, happy, meaty marketing. The best part is that when you allow yourself to “think sausage” all the other thoughts disappear and your brain becomes one big delicious grease roll. There is nothing new regarding “think different” but thinking differently with reverse psychology, not limiting ourselves to sausage, is definitely worth a try and try again. If we apply this philosophy whenever things go horribly wrong, maybe the wrongs will become less wronger. For example, try out the visualization techniques below:
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When Good Friends Go Bad
You’ve been through thick and thin with some of your friends. You feel you can trust them with secrets and share your life but occasionally the bond goes awry. Sometimes they wind up ‘mistakenly’ revealing that you lied on your resume, or ‘unexpectedly’ let on about the boob job and some ‘accidentally’ sleeping with your mate. But friends are friends and without them we’d all be friendless. Everyone makes mistakes, including you, so perhaps you’ll get through this. Take time to calm down and summon something warm and happy and cute, something reminding you of the cuddly days when the friendship began. When friendship gets ugly –> Visualize Puppy. THINK PUPPY.
Cubicle Constipation
Your coworker disgusts you. This person is so dumb, or so lazy, or so arrogant, or so sumthin’ sumthin’ it’s hard to believe they’re even employed! They suck so bad, their presence causes a shit cloud to form and storm on your every Monday through Friday. What to do? If you can’t get this person fired then you have to quit and re-experience a new albatross at the next job or… lump it. Pudding is lumpy, pudding is sweet and amorphous and relatively harmless. Your coworker is too, if you don’t fixate on how they ruin your day –>So Visualize Pudding. THINK PUDDING.
Someone Pissed In Your Gene Pool
Does your family have you boxed into a corner? No matter how much you’ve changed, how well your career is going, regardless of how much your life has progressed, they still imagine you as the little kid who got a boo boo on your knee, then cried. Unfortunately there’s nothing that can erase, even temporarily, the misery and stereotyping that our family gifts upon us. The best we can do is replace it with something worse to help us realize our family isn’t really all that bad. –> So Visualize Manson. THINK MANSON.
Your Love Life Wears Socks With Sandals
It’s all going great, until it’s not. What the hell is he/she talking about and why isn’t he/she giving you what you need to feel loved? I mean c’mon, you’re doing your part of the romance, but they just aren’t. Or is it you who’s backsliding? Somebody is screwing it all up and because of that there has been no screwing. The only real alternative to this dilemma is “conversation” The two of you opening up and getting to the heart of the matter, agreeing to make it better, or that you both should move on. But that’s emotional gymnastics. Not everybody is so limber. For now hanky-panky may be just the instant gratification you both need. Skip the psychobabble, ease into a hotter brain frame. –> So Visualize Sex. THINK SEX.
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Changing the rapid cycling of bad thoughts can be cured by practicing these techniques of “replacement therapy”. Yes? No? How do you feel about the holidays? Will you try this innovative idea? Tell me a situation that irks you and what visual you might use to get over the bad thoughts.
NOTE: Thinking sex can be used in place of any previous visualization suggestions if you’re in a rush.
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Spread the word!
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Top 13 One-Night Stands of 2009
Dec 8th
As we’re hurtling towards 2010, many of us are whiplashed, looking back and wondering what the hell happened. A lot of nothing took place and out of that void came a profound thud, still reverberating throughout the virtual tubes and tunnels of our collective consciousness. Sure there were also worthwhile events happening at some point, though they’ve become hard to remember. And why bother? It’s the unworthy crap, junk and stuff that’s most fun!
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To that end, I’ve gathered 13 very tuned-in people to pick the burning hot moments in pop culture and the social media memes whose instant attraction wore off almost before the morning after… But like any bad lay, it could come back to haunt you. So without further foreplay, here’s the top 13…
13.) Tiger’s Wood
@ShellyKramerYou used to be a Tiger, now you’re a Cheetah. And a dumbass. You were the world’s shining star. Gifted athlete, intelligent, well-spoken and charming. Zealous about guarding your family and your privacy. Personification of all things good, wholesome, talented and real. Purportedly. We’ve been watching you since you were a boy, applauding your victories and your impressive journey into adulthood, marriage and, ultimately, fatherhood. And now, sadly, we’ve watched you hit your whole life right into the sand trap. And this isn’t just another tourney, Cheetah. This is the real deal. Life, wife, babies, fame, fortune, adulation, temptations, choices. We’re already tired of hearing about this mess you’ve gotten yourself into. And, in our minds, you’re no longer Tiger, you’re simply Cheetah. Way to go. Need someone to hang with, maybe A-Rod’s free.
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12.) Life Is Unfair and Death Is Un-Farrah
@ArjunBasuFarrah Fawcett died on the same day as Michael Jackson. June 25th. Talk about your bad timing. Fawcett had suffered terribly with anal cancer. Yes, you read that right. She had cancer of the ass! And if that wasn’t bad enough, her son was in jail when she died. He’s a drug addict or something, but really who can keep up with who’s addicted to what? But dying on the only possibly day when even something like a giant hole opening and sucking up all of Tokyo would have been page 2 news, that takes a special kind of celebrity. An-I-don’t-care-anymore-kind-of-Calgon-take-me-away-celebrity. At the very least, Farrah needed to fire her agent. And her publicist. And maybe die on June 24th.
.. Read the rest of this entry »
Riding Thigh Machine: In The Situation Room
Nov 29th
At the gym, I like to gaze upon the other sweaty people and watch as they grunt.
I enjoy deciding if their exertion looks more like toilet-face or an in progress big O.
It’s better than watching Wolf Blitzer babble out BS on CNN, in his “The Situation Room.”
My health club never has anything good on TV.
It’s always Wolf and for some reason Wolf is always on at all hours.
I don’t think he sleeps. He hasn’t given us any news in years so it’s time he take a nap.
On the speakers my gym plays a narrow variety of tunage.
And no matter how hard I try to avoid it, when I land on the thigh machine, Frankie Goes To Hollywood is often crooning about “when you want to come…”
That doesn’t help keep the bone daddies at bay. I do my ogling at strangers on the down low. They sure don’t.
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By the time I straddle the thigh machine, ready to ride, I’m sweaty and near collapse. Seeing the guys across from me getting lusty, watching my face strain as it glistens, my thighs rhythmically open and close to the techno beat of Frankie… this attention is last on my need of wants list.
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It’s not only me who gets this thigh machine pick-up. Nearly every woman scores the offering. I keep a wide scan on the action, watch closely, keeping dirty tabs on these health nuts as
I run in place or elliptically engage on the cardio machines. Sure, yes, I sneakily watch closely the horn doggy ways. I pay attention just as hard as I ignore Wolf Blitzer.
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I sometimes feel I can smell the scent of these men forcing their burst of pheromones into the air.
But again, all my lascivious viewing and sniffing is top secret.
The worst part of this entire situation is that I often wind up dehydratedly dazed, confused and end up leaving the gym thinking I just banged Blitzer. Hell, maybe I did.
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P.S. Don’t ask about my above self portrait. It involves a chair, but otherwise I have no idea what I’m doing. Do you? And are you a gym user? If so what machine is your poison? And by chance do you have ungodly thoughts about your fellow workout companions? If you don’t exercise, do you drink low calorie beer? Do you crush on Wolf Blitzer?
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What Do Your Passwords Reveal About You?
Nov 21st
If you’re the type to use the same password for every site, I hope it’s a difficult one.
Something super hard to figure out, like: QRTxxxv2569286v~!*
That’d make people think you were deep, complicated and had a memory of steel.
Or, um, is it more like: Your First Name + Birth Year? – Sue1985 or Fred1946 – perhaps?
That would leave everyone imagining you were a simpleton, but a dolt with nothing to hide.
Read the rest of this entry »
Close Encounters of the Embarrassing Kind
Nov 17th
What if administering anal probes isn’t really what the aliens are interested in?
Maybe they only want to enlighten us into being cooler, more gracious, n’such stuff as that
to one another. Yeah, perhaps they perform this via an anal probe, sure, but at least
it’s a positive thing to attempt, even if it hurts a little.
Do you feel alienated if everyone around you is pretending not to notice someone’s accidental foibles and not at all helping to remedy them? Like if you spot a person’s fly unzipped but remain silent so the poor person is doomed to run around with their ‘privy spot’ as open source for Lord knows how long?
If exposed nether regions, spinach teeth and wrongly buttoned-up shirts don’t move you to humanitarian acts of kindness, does that mean these things don’t bother you? If not, take me to your leader, I need to vent. For now, secure me in bubble wrap until it’s safe to unravel.
A few days back I had something white camping out in my left nostril. I’d eaten an ice cream cone hours before arriving at a bar. Some snuck up into my nasal cavity. People had ample time to prevent me from being a booger bozo. But nooooooo, instead I traipse around as a total eyesore for hours! Read the rest of this entry »
How To Cook Corn, Chick Style
Nov 9th
As Thanksgiving approaches this information may come in handy…
First you have to dehusk the corn. To ease the boredom of undressing corn, you might want to imagine that you’re stripping off your clothes or somebody else’s. Depending on how much corn you have to shuck, you could also think of group sex and how hot that might be. But then you have to decide the rules… For instance would you want male on male action too or prefer just a hetero kind of thing. Maybe girl on girl would be cool. Focus, really decide how you’d like it to go down. I’ve seen men kiss, no big deal… I don’t know if I want full blown group action or not though. OMG, how many people will be there? Everyone should wear protection because that’s probably extremely important, but maybe not necessary to consider right now since you’re only fantasizing about it.
After the corn is good to go…
Fill a large pot halfway with COLD water. (There should be enough water in the pot so when you add the corn, it is covered but not overflowing.)
Bring the pot of water to a boil.
I have no idea how long it takes a pot of cold water to boil. In the meantime get on the computer and try catching up with your emails. Corn is yellow and yellow is a happy color. If you have emails discussing sad sack or boring relationship stuff, skip that. Jesus Christ, they should get a life, right? Only reply to the people who wrote fun stuff.
Read the rest of this entry »
CATatonic
Nov 8th
I don’t like my cat.
I bet many of you reading this, do like my cat.
Even though you’ve never met my cat,
you might like all cats. Even mine.
I don’t like my cat.
It wasn’t even my cat. It was this skinny, sickly, starving
stray, so I fed it. I even took it to the vet.
I guess during that time it became my cat.
After reading about my feline philanthropy,
especially the vet part, those who hated me
for disliking my cat now probably like me.
I can hear you now, “Awwww, she was so good to help that poor cat.”
Yes and thank you. I’m actually quite nice and friendly with my cat. Again, thank you.
Aaaah but some may still imagine me rotten to unabashedly denounce my cat.
People say that cats are cute and smart and do funny things. They really do say that.
I don’t know what makes them say those things.
I don’t say things like that, because I don’t like my cat.
Some may ask, “Why don’t you like your cat?”
It would be cruel of me to air my kitty’s dirty cat box in detail, in public.
So then, just imagine traits YOU don’t like about 4-legged or even 2-legged beasts and we’ll be in good standing on this one. As long as you apply those traits to my cat.
Is not liking cats an option for you?
If not, could you at least find it in your heart to not like my cat?
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-Follow me on Twitter @CTK1
How To Comment Blogs
Jan 7th
Written by Jefferson Reid
Comments
Commenting a blog is simple. Yet doing it properly seems a challenge that’s so beyond most people, I feel a remedial session is in order. Allow me to lend a hand, or maybe just a finger. Here goes:
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.1.) First, read the blog, or at least skim it.
For Generation PlayStation people, simply look at the pictures.
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2.) After that tiresome interlude, it’s time to comment. The initial part of your comment should refer to the blog in some glancing way. It wouldn’t hurt to insert a faux civility here, something bland like: “nice blog,” or “good read,” or “pithy and trenchant.” Whew! That was exhausting. If you have anything left in the tank at this point, mention something specific from the blog that you pretended to enjoy, or really did like.
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3.) Now, feel free to go Proustian on that mofo and totally rewrite their blog in your own words. Better yet, veer off on another topic, thereby showing the writer what their post really should have been about. I’m sure they’ll thank you for it later.
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5.) If you’re forced to watch one of these turds, however, feel free to summon all the vitriol you can muster and unload bigtime. But please do us all a favor and avoid the stale complaint that goes something like this: “Thanks. I’ll never get that 2:37 back again.”
I always want to ask these timeless commenters: What more-productive activity were your planning to do with that time on YouTube?
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6.) Also, as a commenter, if some blogger has the audacity to be smarter or funnier or better looking than you, it is your right, nay, your duty, to slag him or her anonymously. But since not every site allows anonymous posts, you’ll often have to troll-up and create a fake name like, Anne Nonimus, Ima Spectre or N. Scrutable.
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Do it, because spreading the hate in the comments section is not only a civic duty, it makes for compelling drama and drives traffic to the blog you’re excoriating. Who doesn’t love drama? The ancient Greeks had Sophocles, Aristophanes, Euripides and Evenmoreofthese, but we’ve got blog-comment flame wars. Best of all, you don’t need to get dressed up (or even dressed) to be a part of this theater of the unheard.
Are there more commenting commandments that I’ve overlooked? Let me know.
No need for stone tablets, just tell everyone all about them in the comments section below.
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